Things I Never Said
by Caitlynnn
Summary: A series of dark one-shots about friendships, relationships, family of things never said, or things wanting to be said. Some characters are bound by secrets or bound by the past or their inner demons. And some are just plain.. sad. Some are explorations..
1. Chapter 1

**A few things you should know. **

**When I start a story I get really into it, and it becomes the only thing I think about. Like one story for example, Collision. I'm still going to be writing it, but I get tire of ideas easily. And it ends up for me having writers block. I'm at a current writers block for that story, but I'll still work on it. I already wrote the next two chapters. **

**I'm going to make a multiple story starters and one-shots. All these are potential stories, but I don't know. I might focus on one specific character or two. But I love Eclare, so most of them will be about them, **

**This first one is based on me and my cousin. Let me give you the basis of it. He's a really sweet guy. Both of them are. I am pretty sure I love that kid. He has some mental health issues… and he's constantly worrying. **

**I started to see this because I use to live with him and his family for a few weeks. My dad was in the hospital because of some… family things and such. Anyways, my cousin is just… different. He liked to be in pain, and he liked it when people hurt him. But he would cry in the corner because he realized that he was being punished. **

**A couple days ago my mother and my aunt were talking about me. And how I suffered some manic depression, and he ran over to me and said, "But you'll be okay right? In a weally weally long time?" **

**It really ate at me. Because, I couldn't give him an answer. He'll probably never read this. But, this is for him. I love you Cameron… don't let anyone else tell you different. **

**I do not own Degrassi. I only own Kylie. **

When Kylie was five she got the first glance at how different things were between her father, Adam, and her uncle, Eli.

Adam was in the hospital. Always in and out. He had just done the surgery, but at one of the worst times. Fiona had gone back to rehab, because she had started to drink again after Kylie was born.

Clare took Kylie into her own home, and she stayed there. But their financial situation started to take a fall. So she would have to go back to work, pushing in a few more hours. Leaving Kylie with Eli.

On some days, Eli's depression would consume him. Leaving him physically exhausted, making him stay in bed. For sleep was where he got the pain he deserved.

On mornings like these she starved. Waiting for her caretaker to give a shit and feed her at a decent time. She waited, but she didn't see any food on her plate. She was irritated. She got up from her seat and started to walk down the dark hallways. It was of course scary. She was only five, and she felt like something was going to come up and attack her.

When Eli was in a good mood, they would play hide and go seek in the dark, and he would always go up from behind her and tickle her. That's when she started to call him monster Eli. But what Kylie didn't know, it was more than true.

She opened the door, it creaked. He was in a cannonball position, and holding his pillow like it was some sort of shield or weapon. He was in a middle of a nightmare.

Kylie was use to this. She hopped on the bed, and got under the covers, and watched Eli shake the bed. This was different to her, also. Whenever she did this to her daddy, he would wake up and immediately kiss his daughter on the forehead and he would say the usual, "They're just dreams."

But when Kylie tried to wake up her uncle, he didn't wake up. He wouldn't budge. She had usually hurt him or something along the lines for him to get up.

"Uncle Eli," She cooed. "Get up, please," She whispered. Her stomach was empty, and rumbling. It was starting to hurt her.

Whenever Clare found Kylie trying to do this, she quickly took Kylie in the shelter of her arms and told her that uncle Eli needed to sleep because he was very, very sick.

"Like Daddy?" Kylie asked. Clare would just shake her head. "No, he's just having a sick day." Kylie didn't know any better.

She didn't know about Eli's demons and how sometimes they got the very best of him. They would suck him dry, and then leave him. Lifeless, emotionless. His demons would whisper flirts and he took them for a stroll.

Fed up, she got the closest book and hit him over the head with it. He got up immediately, sweating a cold sweat. "Are you sick again?" She asked him with sad eyes. She always worried about him.

Eli got up and out of bed and started to walk towards the kitchen. Not answering her question.

The bed was huge. She was actually surprised that she even hopped up on here. She tried to find the easiest way down, but she couldn't. So, she jumped off, and landed on something hard.

When Eli went to the fridge, he got out the milk. He didn't feel like making anything. He didn't feel like doing anything. He brought the knife out of the drawer and stared at it. He wanted to plunge it through his stomach.

He had all these suicidal thoughts, they swarmed in his head like sharks around blood. But he ended up putting it down. He looked back to ask Kylie what she wanted but she wasn't there. Where was she?

He sighed as he walked back to his room.

She was sitting on the floor, with broken glass surrounding her. Blood coated her hair, but she wasn't cut so bad. It was more on her hands.

Eli quickly leaped over to her and picked her up and looked at her frantically, "What happened?" He asked her. She pointed to the vase. It was on the small table by Clare's side of the bed. It had fallen on top of her.

Before Kylie was born, Fiona lived a double life. A beautiful dedicated wife to Adam. She would do anything for him. She didn't want a baby, but she got a sperm donor, anyway. It had been a mutual decision.

But her other life, she was scared. She was scared to have the baby. She started to do a little bit of drugs. Nothing too bad, and started to drink, but she controlled it this time. Or so she thought she controlled it.

Kylie, when she was born, had withdrawals as a baby.

"It's okay Kylie," Eli chanted as he brought her into their bathroom.

As a result of her mothers actions, the pain didn't hurt so much. Not as much as the withdrawals. It hurt Kylie for a few seconds, but the pain stopped.

Eli was in the middle of a break down, but he had gotten better at hiding it. He dabbed the blood and checked to see if the five year old needed stitches. It didn't look like it.

Once he had cleaned the blood, all she wanted to do now was take her nap. So he laid her down in her crib in the next room. He looked at her, and he tried to smile, but Eli couldn't lie to her like that.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived with a dangerous monster, Beast…" He started out.

After she had fallen asleep he had gotten back in his bed and just stared at the ceiling. He couldn't fall back to sleep. No matter how "sick" he was, everything would come back to haunt him.

He quoted Shakespeare, "To sleep, perchance to dream."

He laid down and closed his eyes, then he heard the door creak again. Little Kylie was standing there, rubbing her eyeball. "How did you get out?" He asked her. She looked at him like he was stupid. Of course, he was Adam's daughter.

"You'll be okay, right? Just in weally weally long time?" She wouldn't sleep until she had this question resolved.

He just looked at her. "I don't know, Kylie. I really don't know."

**This was the first one-shot. Hopefully some are more lighter. I personally thought it was kind of dark. Yet again, I think my whole life is like that. **

**Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, last nights episode left me hanging. I don't know I suppose that this is just to get all my feelings out. I know that the song might not fit what's going to display, but I still love the song. It's super good. **

**Anyways… I don't own Degrassi. I also do not own Remembering Sunday by All Time Low. **

_He woke up from dreaming_

_And put on his shoes_

_Starting making his way past 2 in the morning _

_He hasn't been sober for days_

_Leaning out into the breeze_

_Remembering Sunday he falls to his knees_

_They had breakfast together_

_But two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs_

_Now this place is familiar to him_

_She pulls on his hand with a devilish grin_

_She led him upstairs, she led him up stairs_

_Left him dying to get in _

On the hood of Morty, Clare and Eli lay down with a blanket spread across of both of them. They had discussed everything from English assignments to the dance that had taken place, and everything above. But the air didn't feel right to either of them. They just didn't want to admit it.

They had run out of words, and were just staring at the trees above them. Clare shivered from the wind that started to kick up; she brought the blanket closer to her.

_Forgive me I'm trying to find_

_My calling, I'm calling at night_

_Don't mean to be a bother_

_But have you seen this girl?_

_She's been running through my dreams_

_And it's driving me crazy it seems_

_I'm gonna ask her to marry me_

Eli had noticed, and he slid his arm beneath her. Clare was a little bit surprised, but she welcomed it. It was probably the last bit of affection she would get from him… But she liked this, even if it felt wrong to her.

_Even though she doesn't believe in love_

_He's determined to call her bluff_

_Who can deny these butterflies?_

_They're filling his gut_

_Waking the neighbors_

_Unfamiliar faces he pleads though he tries_

_But he's only tonight_

_Now he's dying to get inside_

Things were going down hill. You could feel it every time they were around each other; the only time they had gotten a long was when they were talking about everything but themselves. Eli had told Clare that he loved her, and told her that she was beautiful. He meant every word, but Clare seemed to go cold.

She knew she wasn't ugly. Her self-confidence wasn't the problem, but what was the problem was… Eli. Of course, she loved to hear all these things, but she was growing tired of it. She was just tired of everything. He was going to drain her whole. And there would be nothing for her to do about it.

Not all of it was Eli's fault, but he sure blamed himself for it. He knew he needed help. His parents were supportive enough, but he figured he could take on the world alone. Of course he did. He was head-strong.

Eli looked her profile, and she was just merely staring at the sky. He could look at her all day and never get tired of it. He was thinking that there was no place where he would rather be. For the first time, the pit in his stomach was starting to go away. He just wanted to feel something, anything again.

_Forgive me I'm trying to find_

_My calling, I'm calling at night_

_Don't mean to be a bother_

_But have you seen this girl?_

_She's been running through my dreams_

_And its driving me crazy it seems_

_I'm gonna ask her to marry me_

He had said it before, Clare had saved him from himself his whole year. And yes, it was true. He didn't want to be with anyone else. He could imagine himself with anyone else, other than Julia. But she was his past, and as hard as it was, he had put her in his past.

"There's a part of me you'll never be able to truly have. But I will give you all I got." Eli reminded Clare. She didn't even look at him as she put her barriers up.

Her icy behavior was coming back. The barriers that she put up were not to hurt Eli, but to keep herself from hurting. She loved the boy that was holding her; she loved him so much. But she just…. Couldn't take it. She loved her independence. And she had for the past month starting to feel like she was losing herself being with him.

She had searched for words, but she found none. He looked so happy. She knew he would hate her after the talk, but it was needed. She was not trying to hurt him. But she knew she would.

The tears were starting to sting her eyes, she tried to hold them back, but they fell on her shirt, soaking in. She let them fall silently. Eli hadn't noticed.

"I think we should go home." She said after a while. She hopped off of Morty. Eli looked at her, "You don't want to stay longer?" The small disappointment in his voice reminded her what she needed to do.

She didn't say anything as she got into Morty. Her attitude caught Eli a little off guard. He tried to not over-analyze it, but he was betrayed, that's all he was thinking about. He was shaking as he got in the car.

"Is… is something wrong?" He asked her before he started the car. She wanted to laugh at him. Of course there was something wrong. There was _always_ something wrong in there relationship. It had taken a whole lot of months for her to realize it, but there was so many flaws in their relationship.

Even though relationships weren't perfect, they should at least be a little happy.

"I'm just not feeling it anymore." She whispered. He lounged back in his chair. "Wh- what do you mean?" He was griping the keys so hard that they were shoving into his skin.

Clare didn't say a word. Eli got the hint. She wasn't going to talk. "Oh, the silent treatment." He mocked. He rolled his eyes as he started the car. "I see how it is."

No, you don't, Clare corrected in her mind. If he did, then they wouldn't be here, she added. But she pursued her lips as he drove to her house.

Eli's stomach was churning. He needed to throw up. Everything had been perfect. Or so he thought that everything would be perfect. He couldn't wait for the convention, and the time to reconnect. They needed that.

When they had gotten to Clare's house, he cut the engine, looking at her. Her heart was pounding in her chest.

"Eli," She sighed.

_The neighbors said she moved away_

_Funny how it rained all day_

_I didn't think much of it then_

_But it started to all make sense_

_Oh I can see now_

_That all of these clouds _

_Are following me in my desperate endeavor_

_To find my who ever_

_Where ever she may be_

"What?" He breathed. She grimaced. He knew this wasn't going to be good. He braced himself. She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'll um… Call you later." She decided to not do it now. She couldn't. He smiled at her a lopsided smile. She stared deep into his eyes. Her hands went through his hair. "See you later?" He said.

Clare just looked at him as she turned to go into her house where he mother was waiting for her.

_I'm not coming back _

_I've done something so terrible_

_I'm terrified to speak the truth you'd expect that from me_

_I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt_

_Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair _

_And out of my mind_

_keeping an eye on the world_

_So many thousands of feet off the ground_

_I'm over you now I'm not home in the clouds_

_Towering over your hair _

As Eli drove away he had hung on to the hope that they would be okay. But in only a few short hours, things would be different. Clare Edwards would break his heart. But Eli had broken hers first.

_I guess I'll go home now_

_I guess I'll go home now_

_I guess I'll go home now_

_I guess I'll go home now_

**For one, I don't hate Clare, I just felt she was out of character in Drop the World part 1&2. I know how it feels to be emotionally drained from a depressed person. And I do say depressed. I don't think Eli is abusive. Although so many people on twitter have said he is. Do you see any scars? Was Clare slapped in the face like Fiona? I don't think so. So, make sure you can back up your information before you run your mouth about something that isn't true..**

**Sorry, I sounded harsh. Anyways…**

**Review. That would be pretty cool…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Apparently my story sucks and I suck. Thank you Lisa. That was really sweet of you. Perhaps you should of read the description? I said some may be dark… **

**Anyways, this is dedicated to Dreamgreen16. Thank you for sharing your story with me on my other story Saving You. It really meant a lot to me. And it did make my day. I know what it feels like. =/ But this is for you…. **

**Warning: This might be a little upsetting. Kind of down in the dumps and just felt like writing this. **

**I do not own Degrassi. **

"Eli," CeCe had cooed, moving the hair that was glued to Eli's forehead. "Wake up," She said. He had sweated in his sleep from the nightmares. Although they seemed to be a regular thing for Eli.

He slowly opened his eyes. The clock that hung on the wall in front of him, below the TV read, four-thirty A.M.

"You should go home," He said, his voice groggy. "I'll be fine. I just need to stretch my legs a little." He yawned. She looked at him, and sighed. Where had they gone wrong? As a parent, you often tend to overanalyze things. Eli had gotten that trait from his mother.

"I don't want to leave you, baby boy," She said, rubbing his cheek softly. The bruises and scrapes were starting to heal on his face. Though he would have to keep the cast on for a while. Eli was over-joyed when he got the news about that. Luckily, they were able to take the neck brace off. That damn thing gave him a rash.

"Mom," He said in a defeated tone. It was on rare occasions when he had called her mom. "Just go. I need to be alone." He said. Even though he really wanted company, but he would never show it. She had picked her stuff up without a fight. She planted a kiss on his cheek as she left out the door.

Alone. He was finally alone. He had wanted this, right? So why didn't he feel any different. He felt the same empty, hollowness. The bags of guilt were always there, never leaving him.

He sat up more, looking at his surroundings. He couldn't breathe. It was stuffy in here. He slowly got out of his hospital bed, and shuffled over to the window, opening it as the breeze danced around him. He sucked in as much as he could. He could tell by the smell of the air a storm was coming.

He loved watching storms. Especially when lightning would clash. It gave him an odd peace. Like no matter what after a storm there would be cleaner air. Although he thought it was cheesy applying that to life, but he secretly liked the idea.

This time, he wasn't so sure. His optimism had been used up for the year. He had no hope anymore. This wasn't all just for a girl. This was for him. He had said a million times, he fucked up every relationship. Either because of his insecurities, or his need to be in control of things. But what was so bad about being in control? He knew that he took things too far. He didn't need people to remind him.

His hands balled up in fist. He hit the window. He knew if he made a lot of noise, the nurse would tell him to go back to bed and sedate him again. He hated the fact that he couldn't do anything. He couldn't just stop moving, he didn't work that way.

The doctor had prescribed him pills for his anxiety, and some anti-depressants. He hated taking them. They made him feel almost zombie like. He had no feeling. They said it would help, but he didn't want help. He just wanted to be done with everything.

When his mind started to wander that was a bad thing. He often thought about school and how nothing would be the same again. He was afraid of having to transfer again. He really didn't want to. He didn't want to be known for it. Cause it would be the same process over again. He knew he wouldn't fall for anyone else. _But wonder if you do?_

He shook his head. His heart needed to be repaired, and no one would be able to do it. He wanted to know why heartbreak hurt so much, and why it had caused him so many mistakes that he couldn't fix alone.

He was a seventeen-year-old boy who fell in love. Cliché, he thought. But it didn't matter anymore. None of it mattered. Clare Edwards was gone, and he knew she probably wouldn't be coming back. He had to learn to accept it if he wanted to move on.

He sighed again, patting the window seal as he headed out of his room, walking down the hallways of the hospital. The nurses that were on their shift had grown a liking to Mr. Goldsworthy. Not because of his charm, because he never used it, but because he didn't seem to cause a problem. He was in the psychiatric ward, and he often heard screams throughout the day.

He snuck over to the elevators, watching to see if anyone was coming. He was free to roam the halls but to not go outside of his floor. He watched and saw no one. Then he planned his escape.

He hit the up bottom, level twenty-two. That would take him to the rooftop. He should have brought a jacket, it was pretty cold outside.

Once the doors opened to the roof, he slowly stepped out. His feet burned from the cold, so he tiptoed until he got use to it. Occasionally he would rub his arms to keep warm.

"Idiot," He mumbled as he looked at the skyline. Toronto was still alive. That was a good thing. He felt dead and isolated from the world. When he breathed, small clouds would form. The air was so cold.

He wondered…. He moved over to the edge, and he held on to the bar. He looked down and felt dizzy. That would be a painful fall…

His mind was racing. He could end it all. Right here, right now. So, why not?

His mom entered his mind. His dad, and Adam. Most of all, Clare. But she doesn't want him around. But she'd still be sad… Heartbroken.

But this is for the best, part of him fought. But those were his inner demons. He had battled them a lot. And you can only handle them for so long. His heart was beating, and the air was piercing his lungs as he was panicking. Why was he panicking?

Though he had no idea, he was having a panic attack. Eli was shaking violently. "Must stop!" He yelled to no one. And then he remembered a certain time in history…

_Clare and Eli were sitting on the hood of Morty, playing tick-tack-toe with a piece of binder paper from Clare's notebook. _

"_This is stupid," Eli muttered. "It's only stupid because I'm winning." Clare smiled, sticking her tongue out. He glared at her. "Win," She said, drawing a line down her X's in a row. _

_Eli had pushed the paper aside. "Screw this!" He said, hiding the fact that he was actually pretty pissed for losing. Again. They had played it for about an hour. An HOUR, and he had lost AGAIN. _

_She smiled at him. "It's okay, I wont brag or anything that I won every time." She teased. He rolled his eyes as he laid back on Morty. Clare was sitting cross-legged, drawing circles with some of the dust on Eli's car. _

_She had noticed that Eli had changed positions and she moved so she could be lying down next to him with his arms around her. The air was different now. Not intense, but more sad._

"_You know matter what happens, I always end up sad." He mumbled. Clare looked at him in the face. "Have you told your therapist this?" She asked intertwining their fingers. _

_He nodded. "Yeah, I have. But," He shook his head. "But?" She pressed. Eli sighed again, getting in a sitting position, "It's like this," He said and continued, "Everyone is on the same channel, and I'm on like FM or something." He shook his head. _

"_She said it probably wouldn't ever get better." His hands started to shake, and Clare held them. "I haven't been okay in a long time. I sometimes think I wont ever be. But with you," He laughed, softly, "You make me want to get better. Or try or something," He shook his head like it was the most ridiculous thing ever. _

_And maybe it was. _

He closed his eyes as he faced the edge. He thought about jumping. And the more he thought, the brilliant he thought the plan was.

As he looked out to the sky, he saw lightning… He had taken a big breath as he swung his legs over the bar.

Remember all those great times you had, and all those things you hoped to be?

**Read and review! That would be cool..**


	4. Chapter 4

**So, to answer FINDtheHufflepuffs question that she asked in a review, here's your answer: The FM thing Eli said, my counselor told me that. I have never read Mortal Instruments so I have no idea what you are talking about. =p**

**Okay, I realize that it is dark. I got a message saying that I need to tone it down? Don't read it if you don't like it. I mean… I tried honestly to write fluff, but I personally have to be in that mood. And smut wise? Though I do know how all the mechanics work, but I'm not comfortable showing THAT side to my writing out to the public yet…**

**Dedicated to Devin the fabulous, because she is fabulous. I have no idea if she even reads my stories. I hope not cause they are terrible. Haha. But her stories are freaking amazing. So you should read them, but she inspired this. And my dad, especially. If you have read Daughters, a character is coming back.**

**I do not own Degrassi, but I do own Scarlett. **

Clare had risen early in the morning getting ready for work. She entered the bathroom looking at her tired eyes. It looked like she had been beaten from how tired she was. It had been an exhausting four years.

She had often felt like she was the backbone of her family, the moneymaker, the glue that kept everyone together, because, everyone was _fine. _And nothing hurt. But the truth was, everything hurt. Physically and emotional. She was tired, her brain was exhausted. She really didn't like having to wake up so early in the morning to go to work and get paid half a salary.

Once she applied her lipstick, she tried to smile in the mirror, being the optimist she was, but she couldn't keep it up. It was a worn out smile. She turned off the light as she left to go downstairs to get her coffee. Tea had no more affect on her, and coffee was starting to not work either.

Upstairs Eli was in bed still. Though he was up most the night, contemplating in his mind about the numerous things he had to do this morning. Clare the night before suggested he goes back to counseling, but he swore he would never go back. He felt weak and stupid when he went there. The people there weren't stupid, but it was his pride that got in the way of thing.

Instead of trying to rest his eyes he got up and went into Scarlett's room to do a quick check on her. Her thumb was in her mouth, and she had her bear tucked under her other arm. He rolled his eyes at the footy PJ's Clare insisted on getting her. He closed the door heading downstairs.

He heard quick movements, he secretly walked up from behind her, wrapping his arms around her. She was surprised. "Hey stranger," She said. He didn't say anything. He leaned in, smelling her shampoo from the last night. It smelt so good, so comforting.

"Morning," He whispered as he let her go. She just turned around and smiled. Things had been weird with them. Like they were on a thin wire, once one makes a too fast sudden movement, they would fall.

The air was intense, Clare felt like she couldn't breathe sometimes. Eli moved back, distancing himself. She abruptly turned around, working on her bowl of cereal.

"I'm um… going to need you to go to the store." Clare commented, giving him the list. Eli nodded scrolling down the list with his finger. "Will do," He lied. Clare just nodded and gave her professional smile.

"Did you check on Scarlett?" She asked, and he nodded again. He saw the coffee had finished and he got two cups. One for Clare and one for him. He decided to do something nice and fill her cup and put in the amount of sugar and cream Clare liked.

He handed her the cup, she smiled as she breathed in the warm air. For a second it was comforting. But she noticed that Eli was staring deep into the cup, concentrating, but what exactly it was, she didn't know.

He thought about drowning. And he thought about rivers, water, anything water. He didn't know why it fascinated him, but it did.

Many days Eli would wake up in a weird funk. He wasn't happy most of the time. He didn't get the same feeling like he use to when he woke up and realized that Clare was sleeping next to him. Of course, he loved her. That was true without a doubt, but he wasn't feeling it. He wasn't feeling anything. Numb, was the better word for it.

Clare on the other hand knew something was up. They had been together for years, and often she suffered from them. It wasn't like she couldn't handle it. God, the woman was made of steel, but she hated to see him suffer. She hated that she couldn't do anything about it. No matter what she tried to do to make him happy, it would never work.

Alli had asked her a while back if they stopped having sex. Clare was appalled by her asking, but then realized it was normal and okay to talk about. She told her that they still had sex, but not recently. Alli dismissed it, and told her that was the problem.

But no, that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all. Something was always going on in Eli's head. Always. Whether it was his demons getting at him, or his lack of trying to get better. As a depressed person, it's easier to stay in the uncomfortable comfortable. That's how he saw it…

"Eli," She whispered. He was grasping the cup so tight his knuckles were turning white. "Eli." She said more stern. He looked up at her, with an innocent look. Clare was taken aback. He looked so vulnerable. "Eli are you okay?" This was an obvious question. But Eli ignored his emotions and forced a smile. "Everything is fine."

Walking towards her, he pinned her to the counter, his hands moving to her waist as he kissed her. She had no idea where this came from, but she welcomed it. Her hands tangled in his hair, and his tongue found hers. He was desperate, and scared.

He pulled back and went upstairs. "Have a good day at work," He commented. Once Clare heard the door to their room slam, she shuddered. "I love you, too." She whispered as she dumped the rest of her coffee.

Grabbing her stuff she left to go to work.

Eli sat in his bed, his face in his hands. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't formulate. Numb, he thought. Fucking numb.

He grabbed a travel bag and started to put clothes in there. He took the family money jar and threw it on the ground. He then picked up the bills and shoved it in the travel bag.

"Daddy?" He heard a small voice. It was like a scene in a movie. Scarlett was standing in the doorway with her thumb in her mouth and her bear's face to the ground. Her hair was a mess.

"Yeah Scarlett," He sneered. The tone of voice scared her. She didn't like it when her daddy was like this. When he wasn't him.

"I heard a boom." She said, quietly. It was the jar he broke. "Come here," He said. So she went. He showed her the mess he made. She had picked up a shard, and squeezed it. She began to bleed. The tears came rushing down her cheeks.

Eli normally would have been in panic mode, but this time it was different. He reacted so slowly. He zoomed in on the blood, the shard, and the jar. He took her shard and squeezed it in his hands. Scarlett was still looking. He had moved his other hand and placed it over her eyes so she wouldn't see. She fidgeted. "Shh," He coed. But she was hurting! As Eli watched the blood drip he picked her up and carried her to the bathroom. He cleaned the wound and set her down.

She looked at him, her eyes red. "Where's mommy?" She asked. Eli got on his knees as he looked at her. "At work," He said, taking her small little hands into his. He rubbed them and kissed the cuts.

"You need to go back to bed," He said picking her up. She dropped her bear. But he didn't pick it up. Though he noticed it. She didn't ask for it, afraid he would yell at her.

He was no perfect father. Though he tried. But again, he failed.

Once he set her back in her crib, he ran his fingers through her knotted hair, and kissed her forehead. "I love you," He whispered as he exited the room. "I wuv you too," She said a moment too late; he had already closed the door. He walked into his room, grabbing the bear from the floor and putting it into his travel bag.

In the other room, Scarlett sat up and moved the curtains to look at the moonlight that was still there. She often liked to look at the stars. No, they weren't necessarily a religious family, but Scarlett often liked to talk to the sky, and prayed that her daddy would get better.

The door slammed, and she winced.

In the darkness she could see a figure moving from the outside. A car door opened, and slammed again. It was her daddy. Why was her daddy leaving her?

She screamed her daddy's name but he couldn't hear her. Where was he going? Was he leaving for good? "Daddy!" She screamed again as the hearse started to fade away in the dark distance.

Scarlett lost her footing, and she fell on her back, knocking the wind out of her. She needed her bear, and her daddy. But both were gone. And never coming back.

**So, what do you think?**

**Review please. **


	5. Chapter 5

**So, I guess this is just a one-shot. A future one shot. I'm not thinking this will happen. It's kind of silly…. But, it's kind of just a friendship. I have no idea what Imogen is like, so she will probably be out of character. But I do have a friend who is described as her. She loves the center of attention, and she'll do anything to get it… But in real life, she has had a hard life, she puts on a hard shell. Anyways, Imogen is probably watered down. So I'm sorry. And one more thing, this is lighter than the ones before.**

**Dedicated to: Pavingnewpaths. Because she gave me the idea, and we both have an open mind about this. Anyways, she likes my writing. But we all know she pawns my crappy writing any day. Ha.**

**I do not own Degrassi, if I did…. Yeah. Let's not go there..**

**Reviews are cool…**

It felt like his lungs were about to cave in when he entered the room. He felt ridiculous having to use the crutches. "Fuck," He whispered as he sat down on the closest chair he can find.

The therapy didn't start until five-thirty. He had come at five-fifteen, considering he was a bit slower than usual. He sighed as he elevated his leg on the chair. It hurt his arm pits being on the crutches, but thank God that he had the neck brace off. He hated that thing. It made him feel like a jackass.

As he looked down at his hands, he noticed that the scrapes hadn't healed yet. His body was slowly starting to recover from the events that had taken place. He regretted everything. After his head was somewhat clear, he remembered what he did to Morty. He loved that car. They had gone through a lot.

The day he ran over Clare's glasses- the first meeting. To the time he took Clare and told her about Julia. The anger flooded through his veins. He balled his hands in fists. This hurt worse, knowing that he was out of second chances.

Clare had moved on, and he was still here. He hadn't changed, nothing changed with him, they just went into a loop that never ever stopped. What was wrong with him? He wanted to get better, but wanting is different than trying. He was comfortable where he was at, in this position of never getting better.

Perhaps a different time, if he was still with Clare that would be his motivation. Part of him hoped that if Clare saw he wasn't getting better she would get back together with him out of pity. But no, he didn't want that. He didn't want her to feel bad for him. He didn't want her to feel any more pain from him. He had already caused enough pain…

"Eli, you're here early," His psychologist, Stacey said. He shrugged. "I'm a handicapped man," He said, rolling his eyes at his cast. She gave him a small smile. "It's possible to get better, Eli," She told him.

He shrugged. Not saying anything. He stared out the window. It had rained for days; this really helped his mood. The sun hadn't come out in a while, and Eli in the hospital blamed himself for it.

Adam would visit him, normally after school. Eli would help Adam with his English when he needed the help. Clare was "busy". But Adam didn't want to tell Eli what he had seen. She reconnected with an old friend, Jake. But nothing was serious. Yet.

On some days, it was worse. Eli just wanted to give up. He was a failure. He claimed he wanted to live, but secretly he wanted to die. Everything went downhill fast, and he had no idea how to stop.

"Imogen," Stacey said. Eli had barely moved. "Hi," She said, her voice chipper. Eli laid back into his chair, sinking. "Eli, this is Imogen," Eli barely acknowledged her. He gave her a lofty smile and nod as he stared at the ground.

"Any new scars?" Stacey asked. Eli looked up, curious. Imogen lifted up her shirt a bit.

She had cut her sides. He had never really grasped the concept of cutting. He knew that people did it, but he never thought that it would be for him, really. Sure, he had tried to ruin his existence. But he wanted to live. He wanted to destroy everything and live. If that were possible. He was like a tsunami, or a tornado. Everything in his path would be destroyed. He had ruined julia, he had broken Clare, the only person he really cared about. Who was next? Adam.

Imogen raised her shirt higher, trying to get Eli's attention, but he was too in his mind to be paying attention. "What are you doing?" Stacey asked frightened. He looked up finally. She quickly looked away from him. "Uh, nothing." She said. He saw a glimpse of her white skin, but he didn't see any marks.

"Can I sit here?" She asked him, already taking a seat, not waiting for an answer. He nodded. Sinking back into his chair, he sighed. His headache was coming back. He wanted to blame the pills, but that wasn't it. Just him. He overworked it to its extent.

"What are you here for?" She asked him. He looked at her from the corner of his eye. He wanted to laugh. But he just shrugged. "Same reason you're here for." He said. "What does that suppose to mean?" She asked, offensive.

This time he did laugh. "I'm messed up." He shrugged. She was a little offended. But she knew it was true. A long time ago Imogen dealt with things in a different way. She was... always different. No one ever understood why. Her parents moved around a lot, and she really didn't have anyone there for her. But you would think she would close herself off from the world. But that wasn't for her. As her mother liked to call it, she was an extrovert, opposite of Eli. He was more of an introvert.

She just laughed. Obnoxiously loud. She figured if she agreed with him, he would accept her. For she was thoroughly afraid of rejection. She didn't want to be rejected... not again. She didn't want her heart to hurt anymore. She hated to cry for stupid reasons. But she knew she would never change her ways, she was in too deep in them.

He felt uncomfortable. She had the presence about her, making people uncomfortable.

Minutes later more people had arrived, and therapy started. Stacey had helped at Degrassi for a few years now and she had witnessed some things from previous years. "So," She started out. "I'm glad you all got here safe, but lets get into discussion."

Eli mumbled something coherent under his breath. This was a waste of his time. He wouldn't get anything out of it.

Stacey pulled out a picture and she held out for everyone to see it. People were surprised and had no idea who it was. "His name was Rick." She started out.

The events of that day had replayed in Stacey's mind. Mr. Simpson had requested to bring this up again. People had forgotten. And even though Eli would deny it, Mr. Simpson had noticed Eli. He was being bullied. But that wasn't out of the ordinary. It was more than usual. Considering Eli's unstable condition he wanted to approach it again.

After thirty minutes of discussion, they had to go around the room. Imogen was the first to speak. She fidgeted a lot. Eli already had grown a dislike to her, but at the same time he found her intriguing. He admired her honesty.

But was this really honesty?

"My cutting has gotten better. But it's still painful." Everyone in the group had nodded in admiration, some in annoyance. "We understand." Stacey said. Eli moaned. "Can I please use the restroom?" Eli got up and left without an answer. He rubbed his temples. These people were killing him. It was exactly like in movies. You sit around the room and talk about your problems. They might as well been all women discussing the recent chick-flick or book.

He had stayed in the hall and sunk to the floor. His headache was more a migraine, and his thoughts about suicide were coming back and haunt him again. On some nights it was bad. The same nightmare would replay again. He was a failure. A huge huge failure. No one would love him. Clare couldn't provide the love he needed. But he first needed to love himself. Impossible, he thought.

The door creaked again and Imogen was running down the hall. She ran past him as she went into the girls restroom. Some things were hard to talk about with her. She had put on many masks so people wouldn't have to see the real her. Perhaps she did have a bland personality... People never gave her the time of day for her to be herself. Was that her fault?

He didn't care much, at least not really. Wasn't his problem. He slouched, sliding down the wall, taking his iPod out. Fuck, it was close to being dead. "This is freaking great," He said aloud to no one.

His phone buzzed, and his heart was beating fast. He had hoped it was Clare, but he then checked himself. No, it wasn't her. She didn't want to talk to him. He looked at the text and it was from his mom saying she was waiting out in the car for him after he was done. Lack of car, he thought.

Imogen came out of the bathroom, wiping her nose on her shirt. She saw Eli and she turned around, not wanting him to see her at her weak moment. He didn't care. He had been there done that. He opened and poured his heart out to Clare. He didn't care if she broke down.

He should ask her if she's okay, but again, wasn't his business.

"You know what I hate?" She said, her voice dry. Eli merely looked up at her, and raised an eyebrow for her to continue. "Failure," She said. Eli perked up a bit, and nodded. "Yeah failure is a bitch."

"So is payback," Imogen said walking over to Eli, sitting down next to him. Where had this attitude come from?

"So miss sunshine, why are you here?" He asked her, looking at his hands, memorizing the lines on his palm. "Well, Dr. Doom," She giggled, "I have a problem."

He nodded and laughed with no humor. "Don't we all..." He mumbled.

What people didn't understand was Imogen was an observer. She knew what people liked, and what they wanted to hear. Her game face was back on, and she was ready to play Eli.

**Even if it sucked, Review. **


	6. Chapter 6

**It's been an emotional night for me. That's all I've got to say. **

**I added two pretty well known characters in here. You'll see what I mean. If you don't know whom JT and Toby is…. I will have to severely hurt you. No not really, but don't read it unless you want to spoilers.**

**R.I.P., Ali 5-21-09. You're so greatly missed… **

**I do not own Degrassi.**

The water was soaking through his shoes, but he didn't care. Let it. It wasn't important. You could see his breathe in the air; it wasn't cold to him though. He liked the piercing in his throat.

He hadn't been here in a long time; he really had no reason to come here other than to put the occasional flowers by her grave. This time, he was here to stay for a while. It seemed appropriate.

Death is a weird thing. One moment someone could be here, smiling, living, breathing. Their heart could be breaking; their heart can be filled with love and joy. The smiles would be real, and nothing hurt because they were living in the moment. But in a split, they could be taken away. All life gone, and they would be no more.

As many times as Eli tried to wrap his mind around death, it would make no sense. Your heart breaks, and comes this stabbing in your heart that won't go away. And you wonder why it breaks, and you wonder why it hurts. You wonder why you're still alive. Nothing makes sense anymore, and then you start to lose your mind. Eli felt this all the time.

He sat on his knees right in front of the gravestone, the water soaking through his pants. He tried to control his breathing, but the air was so bitter, so cold, he couldn't. And he was okay with that.

"Where to begin?" He breathed. He waited for an answer. "I don't know what I'm doing here," He laughed. He had a family that needed him at home. He had a daughter to look after. He had a dog he didn't want to take of at home. He had Clare.

It's been a while since he's been here. It's been a while since he thought of her death.

"I miss you," He wanted to break. That would be easier. He wanted to feel something, he wanted to feel anything. He had guilt; he had enough of it to last a lifetime. He wanted to let it go. He wanted to let every feeling go. But it never went away.

When you love someone, its not just you to look after anymore. It's the other person. No matter how much shit you go through with the person. You still go through it because, you love them. And there is no changing that. Cause when you love someone, they tend to break your heart, and they tend to make you want to hate them, though you'll never admit. Because hating them would be so much easier than loving, because loving someone exposes you. It exposes your weaknesses and it exposes how vulnerable you are when you are in love.

No one really understand this emotion, it seems to be the type of thing that no one will ever understand. So many people are filled with hate because they have had their heart used too many times, or had no one love them. But with that, there is always a chain of being unloved. Whether it's from a parent. No love of a father, no love of a mother. No love of a sister, brother, niece, nephew. No love from a cousin, aunt, uncle. What makes a person stop loving someone? What makes them go that far, to the extent?

His stomach dropped. Like it would when you saw your crush talking to someone else that wasn't you. He felt abandoned. And Eli felt alone. He swore it was better this way. But he felt guilt cause he found love again. But this wasn't the same. He asked himself this question numerous times.

If Julia were still alive today, would he be with Clare? And if he was with Clare and Julia wanted him back, would he go back with her?

The "what ifs" can drive a person insane. Making them locked in their mind. So many things could have happened. Lives could have been changed. What if this, what if that.

His counselor told him to be careful with this, it can cause to suicidal thoughts. Though they were regular thing for Eli, he tried not to go back to the dark mind sight.

"My life has changed since you've died." He started out. The sun was barely starting to rise. And the birds started to wake up again, it was a new day.

"Highschool was hell," He continued. "And it was painful. But I survived."

Julia had big plans for her life before she died. Then again, most people have plans, if not plans then dreams what they want to do with their life. And again, within a second, it could all change.

She wanted to be a writer. Perhaps a freelance writer, she was always interested in that area. Though she was still unsure- she was still very young.

"I know you had ideas of what you wanted to do, but editing papers kind of is a pain in the ass," He laughed trying to lighten up the mood. He laughed at the thought of trying to lighten up the mood in a cemetery full of dead people. He was right above her grave, she was rotting away in that casket. The though scared him. The cloud of depression rolling in, hitting him like a ton of bricks.

He was falling, hard.

Laughter was his way of guarding his heart. But it wasn't the carefree laughter; it wasn't the awkward conversation laughter. No, this type of laughter hurt in every possible way. It was the forced kind, the forced kind to make you feel normal. When nothing was… normal.

"I got married to Clare. I really hope you're not mad at me." He said. "But… if I were given the choice, I would have married you. Because… I love you." Don't get Eli wrong, he loved Clare. But if it wasn't for her death would have they been together? Maybe they would have, no one knows.

"I have a kid, too." He continued. "Her name is Scarlett. She's a beauty."

She also reminded Eli of Julia. It was more of the looks; she was the exact replica of her dad. The only thing similarities between her and Clare were the curly hair, and the crinkle when she smiles.

"She acts a lot like me, and it kind of scares me." He added. But he wasn't here to talk about his home life. He knew that it was kind of a smack in the face. Haha I'm alive and you're not. And he didn't want to come off as that.

"I hope you forgive me." He finally said. "I want you to forgive me. Cause Julia-" He stopped, breaking. "It sucks caring this weight, this burden that gets heavier by the day."

His breathing was rough. "I always think about it when I should be living my life. I don't want my daughter to realize one day that her dad is broken and he can't be fixed. I'm scared Clare will leave because I'm always a selfish jackass to her. I know I hurt her, I know I blame her. But she doesn't deserve that! No one deserves any of this! I'm scared of the future; I'm scared of tomorrow. It's a challenge to make through everyday, and waking up every morning realizing that 'hey, I'm a failure and there is NOTHING you can do about it'" He stopped and got up. He was getting upset. He needed to leave. He needed to go somewhere else. As he got up, he bumped into a man.

"I'm sorry," The man said. "No problem, I was just leaving." Eli said. He slowly walked away. "Hey wait a minute," The man said. Eli turned around. "Do you want this rose to put on the gravestone you just visited?" The man asked.

Eli nodded. "That would be nice, thank you…?" Obviously, he didn't know the mans name. "Toby," He said. "My name is Toby," Eli nodded as Toby fixed his glasses.

Eli didn't know what to do. "So, how many years has it been?" Eli asked. Toby knew what it meant. "He died in two-thousand seven," Toby said, looking at the grave.

Eli nodded. "Three years ago," He contributed.

"He was stabbed," Toby was taken back to the day he was stabbed.

JT was just too young, a life taken too quickly. He too felt the same things Eli was feeling. JT was like a brother to Toby. They went through tough trials together, they fought over girls, and they fought over the silliest things. A true friendship.

"Everyone loved him," Toby's voice croaked. Julia was the type of person people had to get use too. Eli just nodded; he really had nothing to say.

"Those were the days…" Toby let his sentence hang. "It changed Degrassi as a school, I'll tell you that," He chuckled. "You went to Degrassi?" Eli asked Toby. Fixing his glasses again, he nodded. "So did I," Eli sighed.

He looked at Julia's grave. "I better get going," Eli muttered. He would have to take Scarlett to school soon. "Things will get better," Toby said, mostly talking to himself. But Eli heard him.

He heard a thud and Eli looked back. Toby had fallen on his knees, his face in his palms. This was his time for mourning someone he lost.

Eli recalled a story he was once told by his mother when he was a kid.

_There was once a woman who had everything. She lived a very successful life, and her husband was perfect. Everything was perfect. Her village was very plentiful and very rich._

_But suddenly, he died, and she lost her job, and no one liked her anymore. Everyone hated the sight of her, thinking she was the one that had killed him. But she couldn't have killed the one she loved? Besides her wealth, he was all she had. Why would she wish such dreadful things upon her?_

_Secretly, she made her escape to the woods, leaving at nighttime so no one would see her departure. She then went to the witch doctor. He was still sleeping by the time she knocked on his door, begging to come one. _

_Unwillingly, the witch doctor opened the door, and let her in. "What is that you want?" He asked her coldly. She broke down and told her the things that had happened to her. He put down his tools and looked at her in the eye. "There is something I can do," _

_She smiled brightly at the man, but he stopped her, "But, there is some things you must get me if you want this spell to work," He said. She shook her head violently. _

_He looked at her in the eyes, he knew this trip would be impossible, but he admired her willingness. "You must find me grain of rice from a family who has never gone through something traumatic, or has had any type of pain every in their life."_

_Surely this would be easy, she thought. Though she nodded and hugged the man as she left on her quest. _

_She never came back. Twenty years of her life had gone by. In her old age she went to the witch doctor, knocked on his door, he was very old and he could barely talk. _

"_I couldn't find it," She said, heartbroken," The old man had sighed, "I'm sorry," He said, his voice very husky and cracking, "the potion cannot be made," _

_And the woman had fallen on the floor and cried. "Now you know that everyone has heart ache, and everyone feels pain. You are not the only one. That is why I sent you out there to realize that." _

_The woman had cried harder, thinking she had wasted her life for something that was unachievable. "You can't beat death. For death beats you," The old man had said. He collapsed on the floor and died. _

He never understood what the story meant until now. It didn't make things easier. For the pain and the heartache was still there. He knew from the example of Toby that it would never leave.

Eli sighed as he put the car in drive. He let his memories fill his mind, and blind his eyes. He didn't look back at the broken man on the floor at the cemetery; he thought it would be looking into a mirror.

His life was made for destruction. He was slowly getting use to this…

**So, what do you think? I actually really want to do a JT fic. Not a fic but a one-shot. I think I will… Anyways.. the story near the end is actually something my own father told me when I was a kid. Its really great. **

**Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I****'ve been a freaking emotional rollercoaster today. I think I'm writing two more stories.**

**Scarlett is back and this idea was taken from a certain TV show, and it's also based on my dad when he was in the hospital.**

**Dedicated to my dad: You're a survivor.**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

"_**I'm coming home, I'm coming home, tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. And though my kingdom awaits, and they've forgiven my mistakes. I'm coming home, I'm coming home, tell the world I'm coming…"**_

**Scarlett, Clare.**

It had been a while. He wasn't coming back for a long time, and everyone in the family knew that. Everyone except Scarlett, of course.

She was too young to understand what they meant by daddy being "sick" or daddy "going away for a while". She didn't understand that sometimes, his dark clouds would drown him in utter silence. She was too young to understand the great lengths of depression and how it can physically affect a person, and how deeply it can break a family. She was too young to understand broken smiles and broken hearts. Her mind didn't know what lying meant.

Her father always lied to her with the occasional, "I'm too tired," Or the occasional, "Daddy's really, really sick." Though Scarlett would never know that her daddy lied to her a lot of the time. And this is why he went to go "get better." But that is the thing with depression, its inevitable. It can't just go away. Things change, but they somehow always stay the same. And depression would be one of them. You can hold it off for a while, putting it in the back of your mind, but things can trigger this odd emotion. And then you feel useless because your whole life is useless: it's consumed with dark sadness. And often you don't know why.

Eli suffered many trials of depression. He seemed to conquer it back in Highschool. But things slowly progress to worse. With learning come rounds of pain. It's easy to lose control, but forever to gain sanity.

Demons- have you ever had them? Have you ever had a struggle with them? No matter how strong or weak they are? Have you ever lost a battle with them? They're good at deceiving, and they're good at tearing people down. They take the best of people and leave them empty.

To quote Stephen King, "Monsters are real and ghost are real. And sometimes, they win." Eli's monsters always won. But Scarlett didn't know how big the monsters were. She was so tiny.

On many occasions the four year old would sit in her crib looking out the window, waiting for the shadow of her ghost like father to come back. Then, he would tell his stories and she would smile and everyone would be so fake and happy again. That's all she wanted.

As Clare makes her way up the stairs she looks to see if her daughter is still taking her nap. She passes by her room but goes back and does a double take, realizing her daughter is looking out the window. Her heart breaks.

Scarlett had a connection with her father. A connection she would never share with her mother, and she had no idea why. But this connection was so strong. Whenever she saw her father get angry, Scarlett was angry. Whenever she saw her father be sad, she was sad. Very, very sad, and she didn't know why. Scarlett saw her father cry only once, and that was enough to send the four year old in hysterics. What's wrong with her daddy? Why couldn't her be fixed and be happy again?

Clare walks into her daughter's bedroom, wrapping her arms around her daughter's body. Scarlett moves in with the touch. For the first time since he dad left, she's felt safe. She doesn't say a word because she's afraid her mom will leave her or get mad at her and she doesn't want that.

We're all hanging on a thin wire, and the wire sways, wanting us to jump off it. But it's our choice to give in and jump, or be strong and keep moving on, even if it means to unfortunate death. Clare thinks of this as she thinks of her husband.

No, he wasn't the best husband. But then again, who is a good spouse? Clare knew she had things that drove Eli crazy. She could be a little hot-tempered, and a bit judgmental. But Clare meant well. This lifestyle of hers, she couldn't keep living like this. Marriage was two people both working at it.

Often she felt like she was the only one putting in the effort. And perhaps that was true, but she never thought of that 'till now. He daughter sighs as she squirms in her arms. She lets her go. Scarlett finds her way and hops the crib.

Of course, Clare rolls her eyes. She remembers Eli hopping the desks back in Highschool. She laughs at the early days and the early stages of their relationship.

Scarlett runs downstairs and she goes into the kitchen. Clare trails behind her. Scarlett then points to the phone and brings the phonebook out. "What do you want, silly girl?" Her mother asks her. "I want to see how long daddy has to stay. Is he too sick to talk?" Her daughter speaks in hush tones, it takes a second to sink in, and she understands what she wants.

She doesn't know why she's agreeing to this. It's only been a month since he's been gone. He has five more months to go. And that sends an uneasy feeling in Clare's stomach. Clare hopes that her daughter's hopes don't get set up to be torn down. Clare doesn't think she'll be able to handle it.

**Eli**

Eli sits on his bed, looking through his family pictures again. Though they weren't a big family, his small family of three was enough for him. And he loved it that way.

He had checked himself in a month ago; he wants to get better for Scarlett. He doesn't want to explain one day how he got all the scars on his arms, and the never ending look of his pain on his face. He doesn't want to pretend he isn't hurting anymore.

He wants a lot of things, and he writes down what he wants. His therapist that works with him everyday has been giving him coping options when he feels overwhelmed by his thoughts.

Though his daughter is pretty much his man reason he wants to get better, Clare is another one. He wants Clare to be proud of him. He wants Clare to be proud that he achieved something that seemed so unreachable. He wants to see that smile. And he wants to feel like he earned it. He earned it with no pity or sacrifice at all.

The nurse walks in and she carries a phone in her hands. He thinks it's his mom. She calls everyday around the same time.

He sighs as he says, "Hello?" His voice is warn, barely an audible whisper.

"It's Clare,"

His heart beats fast. He hasn't heard her voice in so long it seems. "Hi," He breaths a smile appear on his face, though it hurts, he loves that she's on the phone with him.

"How are you?" She asks him. And he wants to laugh, he wants to cry by this question, without doing either, he doesn't respond. "Scarlett, stop," She mutters, and Eli's hear caves.

"What's happening?" Eli asks. He's lifeless. Nothing. He's numb. "Your daughter wants to talk to you," She says lightly. "I don't know if it's a good idea."

Though he's offended by this, but he gets it. He isn't coming back in a real long time. They can visit but it isn't the same. A psychiatric hospital isn't the place for a four year old to be at. There's some crazy shit that happens in psychiatric hospitals. Almost all the people are worse off than him, but he's getting better.

"I want to talk to her." He says. He can't breathe.

"When are you coming home?" She yelps.

It's immediate. It's desperate. He doesn't talk. He doesn't speak, the fear of losing it. He doesn't know which is worse. Hearing someone break down in anguish, or seeing it happen.

He feels like he's falling in nothingness, these demons dragging him down.

"Daddy?" She whispers into the phone.

He hangs up.

**What do you think? **

**Review! It would make my day.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A really long time ago my aunt had something bad happen to her, and it kind of was brought up again tonight… so, this is for her. **

**I do not own Degrassi.**

**-Eli, Clare.**

Clare had gotten up and shuffled downstairs, holding her stomach, making sure she didn't fall. Her stomach was huge, and she wasn't use to the weight still.

As she made her way to the kitchen, her legs were cramping. She sighed as she realized she was swollen down there again. "Great," She huffed. It was so hot in this house, she thought.

Eli was asleep. Last night he had to put in a few hours at the Dot. Work was killing him. The Dot was now open twenty-four seven. Apparently people wanted to eat stale bread at three in the morning.

Clare opened the fridge grabbing the orange juice. Though she was hungry, she didn't feel like making anything. As she sat down, pouring the orange juice in the cup, she was wondering what to do when the baby did come.

"_I personally think black would be perfect," Eli laughed. Clare rolled her eyes at him. "Of course you would say that," She muttered. "Clare come one. Just pick a color. Its not that hard." _

_This offended her. "Its important! I don't want the baby to be surrounded by black."_

"_So you think pink is the solution? That's so original." He jabbed again. "Whatever Eli," She sighed, looking at a salmon color. "I don't want her to be like everyone's else's baby," he whispered. _

"_But she isn't." Clare whispered back. Clare got Eli's point. It shouldn't be this hard picking the baby's wall. It's just a wall. "Well, what do you think, besides black, would fit for her?" Clare said, weaving her hands into Eli's. He squeezed it as he looked at the colors. _

"_Well, let's think of a neutral color." He said with a smile. They looked at the color pallet._

_A few hours later, they got a light green and they would do strips of black. _

_When they walked out of the store Clare had a smile on her face. "Thank you," She hugged Eli. He nodded unsure what she was thanking him for. "You're welcome?" He said, unsure. Clare just shook her head as they got in the car. _

_The past eight months have been very hectic and busy going places for this baby, and to think, they had a little over a month left till this baby was coming._

"_I think we should eat," Clare said. Eli laughed at her. "Hungry again?" He smiled at her. "Hey I'm pregnant, it's my excuse." She said solemnly as Eli started driving out of the parking. _

-**Adam, Fiona, Sophie.**

Adam had already downed his second cup of coffee. He had been working late last night on bills that needed to be paid. He was just glad it was done. Fiona was making him some eggs, and he heard his kids already up.

"Sophie is up," Fiona laughed, hearing the stomps from up above. "I think she's in her heals that you HAD to buy her," Adam teased, rolling his eyes. "Well, you know, they were cute." She laughed, putting the cooked eggs on the plate.

"Here you go my love," Fiona said, taking it over to her husband, and then planting a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you," He said, not even paying attention.

He grabbed the paper and started to read it. "So, have you spoken to Eli at all?" Fiona said, pouring herself a glass of coffee. "Uh, no, why?" Adam said, putting the paper down.

"Um cause he's your best friend? And because he's married to your other best friend whose going to be having a baby any time now?" She rolled her eyes with a small smile on her lips.

"Oh, yeah." He let it go. "Adam, seriously," She said. He sighed. "I think they would call," He told her, going back to her paper. "I mean, Eli would be calling me cause he would be freaking out- Oh my God. He's going to flip when she's in labor." He got his phone out, but then put it away. "He'll call." He said, mostly trying to reassure himself.

"He does that a lot, huh," Fiona went over and sat by her husband. "Does what, exactly?"

"Freak out," She whispered.

Adam shrugged, "He's Eli," He laughed. "I use to be like that," Fiona added. "Not being able to handle things that were out of my control."

Adam wrapped his arm around her. "It's a good thing I'm a stable lover," He leaned in and kissed her cheek.

Sophie pounced down the stairs and ran to her moms lap. "Morning Sophie," She kissed her daughter on the forehead.

"Hi," She whispered, her teddy bear in hand, and her thumb going in her mouth. She looked at Adam, smiling. "Hi," She whispered to her father.

"You're such a weird child," Adam laughed, messing with her head. Fiona snorted, "Where do you think she gets it from?"

The phone rang. Adam thought about getting it, but this was a family morning. Everything just…. Felt right. And the phone rang

And rang

And rang

And rang.

"Hey, you've reached the Torres house, leave a message, or you know, don't." _BEEP._

"Adam!" He knew that voice. It was his mother. His _mother. _She never called. Fiona looked at Adam, quizzically. "Pick up the phone!" She yelled. Adam hurried getting to the phone.

"Hello, hello?" He said, panting.

His mother talked to him, and his face grew pale.

**-Bullfrog, Audra. **

"Uh, Bullfrog, you have a phone call," Bobby told him. Bullfrog nodded as he took the headphones off. "Hello?" He asked, yawning. He just wanted to go home and sleep all day.

"You need to come to the hospital," This was not CeCe, but Audra Torres. Why the hell was she calling? "Is something wrong?" He got up and went to grab his coat. "I don't know," Audra said, her voice breaking up.

"You just need to come quick." She hung up the phone, and did a face palm.

"Oh God," She dropped her phone as she cried.

**-Bystander. **

People amazed him. He didn't know why they just did.

Imagine, you're standing there, watching a cute couple come in, and the lady is in labor. They're smiling. Well, she's smiling. And as for the male, his face is so panicked.

This bystander wants to laugh at the facial expression, not cause its funny but because he's been there.

His girlfriend had a kid last year, they're still together, but this bystander finds it fun to just wait in the ER. He doesn't know why, but he has to do this every year.

He doesn't think he's suicidal but we all know he is. Every year he does something that sends him to the hospital. He claims he needs sleep and he claims he needs love. But he also says he doesn't know how to get it. But he says he gets better by watching people go through stuff.

But then again, he is a pretty weird bystander. He doesn't give out his name; he changes it all the time. But for now, he goes by Daren. It fits him.

"I'm here!" A lanky boy says. "Adam," Daren is guessing she's the mother. The mother of "Adam" pulls her son into a hug. But this woman is crying. "What…. What happened?"

The mother doesn't say anything. A lady with a child hanging on her walk down the hall both with huge grins, Adam is still unaware of everything that is happening.

"Is something wrong-"

"We're here!" A husky looking man and a woman say, walking down the hall. Daren watches all of them. They are all eyeing the girl who is crying.

"Jenna, just shut up for a second. You're squealing every other second."

"Oh, KC, you need to learn to live a little,"

Now who the hell is this?

"Hey," the lady with a child says. "Fiona," Jenna says. "What's up with Adam's mom?" KC asks. Fiona shrugs. "We can't get- oh my God." Fiona stops. "Wonder if there's something wrong with the baby?"

"I have some bad new for all of you," Audra says, sobbing still. "Clare is fine," She reassures, "But the baby died,"

Everyone in the room gasps. Even Daren.

**-Eli.**

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Not again.

"What happened to it?" Adam says, holding back the tight screams that are building up in his throats. "I don't know," Eli shakes his head. "They said they don't know half the time."

He falls to the ground, head in his hands.

He can't stop crying.

Adam falls down with him and holds him. This time, Adam can't help it. He lets out a scream of agony, this hurts more. It hurts more knowing there is nothing he can do to make this better.

**-Clare.**

Small cries she hears beside her. She opens her eyes and sees her mother crying. "Oh, Clare," She says, wiping her eyes. "What can I do for you?" She asks.

Clare doesn't know what to say. She doesn't say anything. "Talk to me," Her mother begs.

"I didn't do anything wrong," Clare whispers. "I didn't do anything wrong, I swear." She shakes her head, but her whole body is shaking. "I swear mom. I SWEAR!" Her chest is beating so hard, and it feels like her breath has left her. She can't

Breathe.

She can't breathe.

"I know," Her mother tells her. "I know you didn't. We don't know why these things happen,"

No, we really don't.

"I need to be alone," Clare says, turning on her side. Her mother agrees, leaving the room.

She sees Eli and Adam. They're hugging each other so tightly. She notices KC and Jenna in a corner talking to Eli's parents. Audra is with Fiona and their kid. Helen doesn't know what to do.

**-Eli.**

His breathing had calm down, and he was trying to keep control of himself.

"I'm really sorry," Adam chants. "They…. They let me hold her," Eli whispers. "Then Clare got to hold her when she woke up."

Eli sucks in his breath.

"I really wanted to be a daddy, Adam. I really did," Eli looks at Adam, a tear running down his eye. "I know I probably would have been a terrible, but I really wanted to be one."

Adam only nods. "You would have been the best." He whispers. "And Clare? Oh God…." Eli shakes his head as a new round of tears comes. How much can his heart handle?

"You know what hurts the most? I could see myself tucking her into bed at night. And teaching her what REAL music is. I could've beat the shit out of guys that would have wanted to date her when she was old enough. But now?" He shakes his head.

Adam doesn't know what to do. "And Clare? She just wanted a family."

Adam looks at Fiona and Sophie and he feels selfish. How come he got the family? He couldn't have kids, but Adam has one and he has a dedicated wife, too. It just isn't fair.

"Clare wants to see you," CeCe says, bending down, kissing her son on the forehead.

Eli stands up as he makes his way into her room. He tries to put up a straight face. Clare is on her side. He walks over to her and lies down next to her.

Clare jumps, but doesn't move. The only action she is doing is wiping her nose.

This isn't supposed to happen. Babies aren't supposed to die young…

_**RIP, Scarlett Celeste Goldsworthy. **_

**Review? It would mean a lot. =/**


	9. Chapter 9

**Inspired by a beautiful song from Bright Eyes. (No Lies, Just Love.)**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

_I'm sorry._

_I guess that's how I'm going to start this suicide note out… I really am sorry. For all the shit I've caused, and all the trouble I left. I really never meant to do that. I guess it's a natural instinct or something._

_I'm cursed… I have this great ability of getting close with someone and then fucking it up somehow. I never meant to do that. I never mean to lead people on… I just… do. I know what I can do. I know how I affect people. I'm just… tired; and frustrated with myself. I guess, when am I not?_

_I caused a lot of shit to happen when I was alive. I made people aggravated and a lot of people upset by my actions. I never meant to do that but again, natural instinct._

_I wanted to be a good person. I really, really did. I swear, I didn't mean to hurt you all. I hurt everyone I love. I hurt all those people who tried to save me. But I really appreciate you who helped me. I guess this time, you can't, huh?_

_But it's okay. I know, this is really selfish of me to do this. But everything hurts…_

_I hate waking up in the morning and realizing that I'm an utter fail and there is nothing I can do about it. NOTHING. I keep trying… and trying to make things right, but what I say backfires._

_Its not easy loving a depressed person. It's actually really fucking hard…_

_I lost my way…._

_Mom- I know you've tried to hold me together. You were always there for me through all of my hard times. And I could never really make you happy. I'm sorry about that. I really am… I just wish I could have been nicer to you. I wish I appreciated you more often than I did. But unfortunately, I'm just an asshole, completely ruining your life. I never meant to do that. I want to thank you now for always sticking with me, and being nice to me when I really didn't deserve it. I'm sorry for all the times I snapped at you when I was in a bad mood. I didn't mean to do that. Like I said, I was being an asshole… As you know, Highschool was hell for me. A lot of shit went down in Highschool and I'm sorry that I never opened up to you every time you offered. I just hope you know that I LOVE YOU. And no matter how heartless I was, I love you. And I always will. I'm sorry that you got stuck with a broken son… I never intended it to be this way._

_Dad- You are one of the coolest dad's I know. Sometimes the looks you give me meant more to me than words. I know that's a little weird… You weren't always there for me, but when you were it meant the world to me. I love that you let me be myself with my style. No parent is as cool as you. Honestly. Sometimes I feel like I've let you down a lot. Just with everything that had happened, but you never told me. And even though you never did, I kind of secretly admire that you didn't. I just wish I were better… You know, if I could take back all that I said to you when I was thirteen I would. A lot of things I said were harsh… I was an amateur, and really stupid. A lot of the stuff I did was just fucked up. All the pranks I played weren't cool. I thank you that you bailed me out of principal's office. Though the fights weren't fun…. They meant a lot in the end. I'm sorry for trying pot. I know it's not a hardcore drug, but after you telling me your past, and me still doing it… it must have hurt to know your son was secretly slapping you in the face. But you ARE my dad, irreplaceable, and putting me in my spot when I needed it… I love you. I don't know if you love me… but I do love you. Our relationship has always been strained and not the best, but I do know that I loved you… I'm sorry I was not the son you wished me to be._

_Adam- You're my best friend. My first guy best friend that is. Ugh. There are so many things to say to you. But words fail me. But thank you for never giving up on me, and for dealing with all this meaningless shit from me. You never deserved that. Especially when you had your own shit to deal with at home. I know, your mom is like the ice queen, but man, she loves you and she wants the best for you. I know, I'm probably sounding like a hypocrite, but it's the truth. She loves you, and I love you. I would not be the same without you. No matter what you say, you changed my life in ways you don't know. I want to personally thank you for saving my ass in Highschool. I know things are different now. We're older and have grown up. You're engaged to someone who really loves you, and I can't be happier for you. There were many times of admiration in my life when I thought of you and simply smiled. Smiled a genuine smile. I consider you my brother from another mother. (You told me that once, so don't you dare tease me.) But in all seriousness just thank you for listening to me and my random rants about the opposite sex and just rants about life in general. I wasn't always a ray of sunshine or fun to be around. But I never faked my joy when I was with you. I love you…. I always will. I just wish I could have extended the same love you gave me. I wish I were a better best friend to you… I wish I were a better person for you. Out of all my friends, you deserve it… you deserve it the most._

_Clare- At this point of my letter, I'm balling. I don't know how everything got this far. I don't know why I'm such a fucked up person._

_You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. Inside and out, you are. I have so many memories I can jot down and tell you. But words would fail me. I would though. You know I would._

_After Julia died I don't think you realize how many times I swore off love. And then… yeah, you came and changed everything. In a way, though I never would have admitted it out loud, you gave me some hope in humanity when it all seemed lost. I wanted to be there for you, but I know by keeping close to you I seemed to strangled our relationship. We went through our own trials. But somehow we made it through._

_I wouldn't take anything back because I don't regret anything. I know there were many times were you wanted to give up on me. There were times where you did, but in the end you came back… I would say something cocky about that, but I wont. I already caused enough trouble._

_But I just feel like I don't belong anymore, Clare. It's not your fault though._

_I love you. Always have and always will. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I always hurt you the most out of everyone it seems. You can't stand me, I understand. I know you try and keep everything under control, but I'm like a tornado, I rip through and mess it all up again. I wish I were a better man. A stable man. When I'm gone, please, PLEASE find someone who was stronger than I. And hey, even better looking. But I am just a broken man. I can't fix things between us now. I'm sorry that I didn't try hard enough. I just… love you too much…_

_Scarlett- You're not born yet. I'm not even sure you're going to read this at all. It'll probably be one of those things that are burned after read… but I just wanted to let you know that I love you too._

_At first, I'm going to admit, I was scared as hell when your mom and I found out we were gonna have you…. It took me a really long time to accept the fact. I know when you're older you're going to feel like a mess up._

_You're not. Don't give into the lie like I did. It'll screw you up. And I don't want that. I just really want you to know… that I'm sure you'll be beautiful. Just look at your mom and you'll know why. So, don't give into our society. Because, to be frank, it's as fucked up as I am._

_I haven't met you yet. I'm sad that I won't ever get to meet you yet… I really am. I just went through a lot of stuff…. A lot of pain and heartache. I hope you don't have to go through this like I did. It's not a fun road to go down. It's unbelievably hard to get back up. My mom told me this once and at one point it meant a lot to me, "The sun will always comes again." I know, its pretty simple, but it meant a lot…_

_I'm sorry that you'll grow up without a daddy, I'm sorry you'll never get to know me… but p.s., it's not worth it… When you love someone, as much as I love you, it has this weird tug on you. Don't ever forget it._

_Please forgive what I have done, no you can't stay mad at the setting sun, cause we all get tired, I mean eventually, there's nothing left to do but sleep…_

_I love you all… never forget that…_

_-Eli._

**Call me lame, but I was actually kind of crying writing this. This specific story means a lot to me. Um, some of what is said I actually have in my journal. But if I upset some people, I'm sorry.**

**If any of you are depressed, I'm always here. Depression is a bitch; we all have to fight it at some point.**

**SO, will you tell me what you thought about this?**

**Review? =/**


	10. Chapter 10

**Its been proven that I cannot write fluff.**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

**Happy Father's Day to the father I don't know.**

It's Father's Day.

You wake up and get out of bed, you're worn out, exhausted. You worked late and now you have to go get breakfast ready before your mom does. That's how it always is in your family. If you can even call it a family.

Your name is Scarlett Celeste Goldsworthy. And you had your share of the world at a young age; you saw things you wish you would have never seen. And something really bad happened when you were little. But no one likes to talk about it, to open the wound.

Now, you head downstairs and you open the fridge. You take out the bread, but you don't feel like eating anything. From the upstairs you can hear your mother walking around, you want to tell her to be quieter, you haven't made your coffee yet.

"Scarlett," She says, sighing. You look at her, with the toast still in your hand. "What?" You whisper. "Did you get dad the flowers?" She asks, whispering.

Clare looks at you, she smiles, but her eyes say otherwise. "No, why does he need flowers?" You ask, rather sharply. She shrugs. "I would want flowers," She tells you, taking the toast from your hand.

You nod, going into your mother's garden getting the flowers your mother wants to get so bad.

This just doesn't feel right to you. It never really did.

-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-

You and your mother drive for an hour until you reach the spot. You grab the blanket and your mom grabs the food. You're meeting your dad here. He means so much to you. Though you'll never say this out loud.

He's let you down.

He really let you down that day.

But you'll never tell how much it hurt to see him do that.

But there wasn't any other way….

Or so he said.

-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-

_You're six. You had just woken up from your nap, and your father takes you in the shelter of his arms. Though you don't know why, you get a sick feeling you've never felt before. Like you're going to do something bad._

_Now, your father, Eli, looks at you, with a small smile on his face. He has never loved someone so much. Everyone freaked when they found out he was going to a father. But he did an okay job. No one's perfect…._

_No… no one's perfect, but you're six, you don't know what its like yet. But you're about to find out how bad things are around you._

_You don't know how bad your father's demons are. No matter how many times he tries to fight his demons, they come back, stronger than ever. And though your mother tries, she can't always fight his battles._

_To be strong, you first have to become weak._

_He sets you down, and he grabs something from behind him and he holds it, with his other arm he pulls you to his chest. This is where you feel safe from the world. You belong here. God, he loves you so much. People can only wish you would see how much. You reach up and kiss his cheek. And a small tear falls on you cheek. You don't know why he's crying. But you just want him to stop. You don't like it when your father cries._

"_Close your eyes," He tells you. So you do. "Cover your ears," He whispers. So you do. "Take a breath," He says. So you do._

_He whispers I love you. Though you can't hear it…_

_But you hear a shot._

_Your father's grasp loosens, he falls, and you're bloody._

_Now what?_

_-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-_

The cemetery is quiet, and you like it like that. The breeze adds a nice touch, and you feel a shiver run down your back. Goosebumps form, and all you want to do is head back to the car.

Once everything is laid out, your mother sits down, and you put the flowers by the grave.

Everybody's fine.

Happy Father's Day.

**Yeah, I'm terrible. Haha.**

**Review?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay this one is weird. **

**I was at a fast food place and I was getting a drink and this really, really cute little boy had come up to the soda fountain and he started talking, he was really cute. And he was just SO excited to get this soda and his voice was so cute and innocent. **

**Anyways, it inspired this weird piece. **

**By the way, Canadians say "pop" instead of soda… according to Aislinn. Ha. **

**I do not own Degrassi. **

The three misfits had taken the day off of school. Partially it had to do with Adam not finishing his English assignments, and of course he needed both of his best friends help. Though he was just giving them an excuse to cut class.

They were at a fast food place and Adam was at a writer's block.

"Seriously dude," Adam scratched his head, and ran his hands through his hair. "Adam, don't worry about it. You're over thinking it," Eli said, getting his drink and heading over to the fountain drinks.

"Easy for you to say. You can write anything and it'll turn out fantastic," Adam rolled his eyes. Clare put her arm around Adam.

"Well what is the topic about, first?" She asked him. Adam sighed and looked at her, "It's just about feelings and emotions. I mean I have them, but I just am at a brain blockage." He sighed again in defeat.

"You know what, screw it, I'm just going to fail it." He out put his head on the table, and Clare laughed at him. "Okay, you can have a pity party about it." Clare reverted her eyes to where Eli was headed. He was all the way across the place.

There were a few people in front of him, waiting to get their drinks. He had been in a weird funk lately, he had no idea why, and he hadn't just been feeling like himself.

"Excuse me!" He felt a tugging on his jacket. He looked down and there was a little girl with blue eyes staring at him intently.

"Yes?" He smiled a bit at her. "I can't reach it," She mumbled. Then she whipped her head around and it looked like she was looking for someone.

The little girl left. "Okay?" Eli mumbled.

Another little boy ran up and he said, "daddy, daddy, daddy!" His voice was so innocent. It was so… weak. Eli really didn't know what was happening, but he felt emotional over it.

He watched as the little boy was trying so hard to reach the lid, and then the little boy huffed, and then he opened his mouth and he started to whimper a bit. "Daddy," He said again.

God, where was the dad? Eli had thought annoyed. The little boy seemed so helpless. Eli just watched though, watching the little boy trying and trying so hard.

Finally the dad was walking over to where his son was. "See daddy there's pop!" The voice again.

The little boy wasn't whining, but just the sadness in the tone. "Not today son," The dad said. And the little boy looked down. His dad had disappointed his son. Why would someone do that?

That had really done it for Eli. He was taken back to a time where Eli was just roaming the park alone, killing some time, where he had seen a father spank his child. Of course this was normal. But the sound the child made… it had made Eli cringe. It wasn't just any sound, but it was the sound of anguish, of utter pain. And the worse part was hearing the child scream to please stop. And then you would spank the kid harder because with each spank you would get madder and madder.

The innocence of a child pulled on his heartstrings.

They had yet to face the world where there would be much more pain than a few spanks.

But looking back to that memory, he cringed again. Eli couldn't just take it. Listening to the screams of a child. It was worse than someone's nails going down a chalkboard. It didn't give you that tingly feeling, but it made you feel bad thinking of it.

He though that somewhere out in the world, a child is screaming because it is being raped or murdered. Somewhere out there a child is screaming in anguish cause he did something bad and his parents have to punish him with a spank.

So harmless. There is much more damage you can do to a person. They're just so young. They don't know any better.

"Daddy please!" The little boy yelped.

The older you become, the better person you use to be.

**Review? **


	12. Chapter 12

**After seeing this little screen cap on Tumblr with Eli and Fiona I am writing a one-shot about it. **

**In this they are already friends. Since I have not seen how they are going to turn out this I guess is kind of AU? I don't know. Oh well. I hope you like it anyways. **

**I do not own Degrassi. **

"_So tell me now where was my fault in loving you with all my heart?" _

_-White Blank Page, Mumford & Sons._

It's like someone is wrapping a hand around your throat, and is trying their hardest to suffocate you without actually suffocating you.

It's like someone holding a gun to your heart, waiting to shoot it, but trusting they won't.

It's like in the heat of the moment, where you want to stop but you can't.

What is love? Is it something that is to be tossed? Is it something you can have for a period of time, but then throw it away? What has become of this word nowadays? It is more than just actions. Or is it really?

So this is how he works.

The computer is the first to go.

Then the desk he throws.

It's much easier this way.

He gave up on ripping his hair out a long time ago. He had bald spots everywhere for a while. His mother started to notice this after a while. How angry her son got when he couldn't control his own life.

It had upset him as a kid. Not being able to control all these feelings. Well first of all… what the fuck are you suppose to feel? Everyone tells you to feel this way, feel that way. But you become a robot. What good does that do?

Adam and Eli had once watched X-Men at Adam's house. Adam loved the idea of being able to have a power based off of your personality. Adam had looked at Eli and told him he represented Storm and Magneto in some ways. Eli just brushed it off, but in reality it took him to heart. Magneto wasn't bad. He just hurt a lot.

His mother was killed before his eyes. Eli could relate. He watched as his love was run over. He watched as his ex-girlfriend kiss someone else that wasn't him.

What happened to the good ole days? Have they left with happiness?

So now he peels his jacket off and he throws it as well. The teachers hear the commotion but he doesn't care. The papers on the wall are being torn off. He doesn't even care about the stupid play.

"What the hell are you doing?" Fiona yells at him. He's in such rage he can't even hear her, much less even hear him.

Magneto summoned his powers by pain and anger.

He starts to walk in a fast pace, tearing off things from the wall, wanting to punch someone. Anyone.

"Eli!" Fiona screams at him. Though she has her god-awful painful heals on she runs after him, taking him by the shoulder.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" He yells at her. The tears are streaming down his face, and all he wants is to end him. All this pain he has been hoarding is all starting to fall at the seams. Little by little he's drowning.

"What's wrong?" She asks him. Everyone is staring at him now.

"What the hell are you all looking at?" He yells to the students who are starting to shuffle because they have just been caught.

Fiona remembers back to a time where all she could do was drink. She drank to not feeling anything because she felt things too much, and feeling too much for someone she has learned has caused a lot of unwanted pain.

What does it feel like to go crazy? What is the exact definition?

And anger is just a verb.

"I can't deal with this anymore," He tells her.

"So you're quitting life? One less freak in the world," She tells him, rolling her eyes.

"Looks like it," He pushes past her, and she sighs big as she walks to him.

"It hurts so much because you care!" She yells to him.

"I don't feel anything anymore." He tells her. But she laughs at him. "Right so throwing a computer makes up for not feeling anything?"

He stops dead in his tracks.

"I know what it feels like, Eli." She holds her heart.

Eli doesn't need to ask Fiona how because she opens her mouth to speak again, "I loved someone, and still do love someone so much. But I know she won't ever feel the same about me. It hurts a lot, but you can't let it control you this much. It's not healthy."

"Well," His voice hoarse, "It's a good thing I'm not a health freak."

"But a freak nonetheless." She shrugs. "We're not accepted either way, Eli." She tells him. But that doesn't bother him not being accepted. He could care less.

Eli turns around and looks at her.

"You're the first person who really understands me." Fiona says, with a tear running down her face. "Who knows what it feels like to go insane." He cringes at the word.

"Not even Adam understood." She finishes.

And anger is just an emotion.

He hasn't even known Fiona for that long, but he does love her.

"So promise you won't kill yourself." She grabs his hand.

She is desperately holding on to him.

"I promise."

Fiona pulls him into a hug.

He really doesn't feel anything.

But he knows he's going to back out of this promise.

He will eventually break to a point where he won't have someone to pick up these pieces he's left.

But what he doesn't know is how much people do love him and care for him. He probably doesn't even know that the freshman that stands in the background has had a crush on him since she first started coming to the school. She notices that he's hurting, but she's just a freshman, but she even knows what it feels like to go insane. Other people get what Eli is feeling; he's pretty good at putting his heart on his sleeve. Everyone is just afraid to talk to him.

When you're in the moment you don't see things, you don't see the details. You can only see what is blocking you. So you put up walls, and you put up your fences. That way no one dares to get across and find you.

Why is that? It's much easier. So much easier.

"I promise." He whispers.

But no. He doesn't really promise. He has a set date of when he wants to end himself.

This wasn't his intention for someone to get killed.

Why would he want to destroy something he helped build?

**So..**

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	13. Chapter 13

**Does anyone else miss Morty? I do. This is a one-shot about Morty. **

**If you don't know who Sean Cameron is… get out. **

**Not really. **

**Don't ask me how I get my weird ideas, but this one hits close to my heart. **

**I do not own Degrassi. **

Five years later.

He has a small car.

It's nice, and it works perfectly fine. Hasn't had a problem with it yet.

But it's not Morty.

It happened in the shop. He took it and he met someone by the name of Sean Cameron. Apparently Sean Cameron had retired from his job and decided to work back in the shop. They had become friends over this car, Morty. It's one of his best friendships Eli has ever had. Almost.

The reason they met was because Eli was trying to revive Morty. After a few years of waiting, up until now, Sean had said that the car was too broken.

Oh, the irony.

Eli had nodded and had driven home in his small new car, with a piece of his heart missing. It was just a car. A piece of scrap metal. But it wasn't just a car, it was Morty. The hearse.

But it was also the hearse she hated. _Hated. _

That's what it was all about. That's how Morty got in the shop because she hated it. Really, really hated it. God, what was he thinking?

Not only did he try to kill the car but himself. Which he almost successfully did.

Some days past, and Morty would be gone. They haven't destroyed it yet, but they will pretty soon. They still have some other cars lined up, ready to be smashed, ruined to pieces.

Eli can't sleep at night. He's still thinking about his car. Goddamn, it's just a car.

He shakes his head as he gets up from bed. He doesn't bother getting changed other than putting on his black sweats and his white v-neck on. He takes his car keys and heads to the junkyard.

It's dark and its windy, but he doesn't care. He'll stand in the cold.

When he does arrive, he gets his keys out. Well, they're not his, but their Sean's and he gave it to him. Somehow, deep down, Sean knew he would do this. Though they weren't exactly that close, Sean knew things, and he studied Eli more than Eli thought.

"Well," Eli muttered as he walked towards the back where his car was. He tripped over some rocks and cursed under his breath. "God," He shivered. He managed to see the hearse and a smile spread across his face.

He had gotten on the hood and lay down. The hood was freezing; he arched his back until he had gotten use to the cold.

"Well Morty," He patted the hood. God, he missed this car. There is just something about it. Like a first love, you never forget them; they still have a piece of you no matter what. When you stare at someone you love, a flash, an image of the one you use to love will show up and you'll be shocked. Though this is just about a car, but that's what it felt like.

There were many times where Eli was just confused about stuff, and just so angry at how fucked the world really is and he'd just grab his keys, get in his hearse and just… drive.

He drove until morning, he drove late hours of the night, and he drove and drove in the afternoon. He had funny conversations with friends in this hearse; he had serious conversations with his friends, his lovers, his parents, and his acquaintances in this hearse.

This hearse and the boy driving it had experienced and seen what it was really like. To look at the world in a different way. They knew where everything was in Toronto by how much they had spent time together.

They saw the beauties and the negatives of their town, their people. They got to see graffiti, and how some would be actually called art, a thing of beauty. They had driven to the railroad tracks, and spotted how some cars were tagged and looked ugly.

"I really miss you," He mumbled, drumming his fingers on the hood. He was lying. He didn't really miss he. He really needed this car back. He missed the scent, the seats, and the steering wheel. He missed how he had complete control over it. The one thing he could ever control in his life.

"It just isn't fair," He whispered. He wished the car could talk back. He wished it could give Eli some reassurance that he totally doesn't hate Eli. Deep down he knew Morty had feelings. As ridiculous it sounds, that's how he thought about all of his stuff.

Eli jumped off the hood and he went over to open the door, which was of course unlocked. It was a little dusty but the scent never left. He sat in the seats and just sat there for a while. From the inside you could hear the wind whistle, it gave Eli a chill. He had seen many horror movies, but he felt like someone was watching him or he would get caught like he did something bad.

In his pocket he had his keys. There was probably no gas, but he wanted to try anyway.

He turned the key and the engine turned on.

What? That had surprised him. He smiled at this. He turned up the volume and listened to the radio. His dad was on the radio around this time of night.

Eli was more curious. Though he took everything out he still wanted to see- he looked under the seat and he noticed that he still had some CD's from Highschool.

"Geez," He laughed a little. His old Dead Hand CD's. He remembered Adam and Eli use to love and obsess over this band. He found a Pierce The Veil CD and he smirked a little. They were old albums but he remembered them, He remembered playing them and he remembered what every song meant to him. He remembered screaming at the top of his lungs on Main Street, attracting weird glances.

God, time has passed, and people changed.

Life stops for no one.

He found another CD. And he was taken aback. "What the hell." He whispered, looking at the CD. It was a mix CD he and Clare had done together. They had gone on a summer road trip together. Those were the days. The happy days at least, filled with the sadness at night.

He looked at the tiny post-it note and saw all the songs that were on the list. Some Dead Hand, some Bright Eyes, Nirvana, and even Katy Perry. (That was all Clare's choice; Eli had no take in it.) Blue October, and a mutual band that they both enjoyed, Mumford & Sons.

Eli wanted to savor the CD and listen to it again, but he also wanted to destroy it as well. They weren't together anymore, and though he still saw her around it wasn't the same.

Clare smiled a bit less, laughed a little, but she was still Clare. Eli smirked a bit less, laughed a lot more, but he was still the Eli. The ever so cynical bastard, rotting away in his one bedroom apartment, struggling to pay the bill each month.

Really, where did the time go?

The car eventually died, and Eli took his keys out.

"I guess that's all the life I get from you," Eli said, patting the wheel. "God, there was a ton of things I could have done. But instead I turned you on and let the battery die out."

He slammed his fist against the wheel.

3:30 the clock read. He yawned. There was so much more Eli wanted to do. But it was getting late and Eli needed to get up in three hours.

"I'm really sorry for all the things you had to see." He began. "I'm really sorry for all the things you had to hear." He sucked in some air. It felt like there was a knot in his throat. "I'm sorry in act of trying to destroy myself I destroyed you."

He felt tears threatening to come out. "Never my intention."

Why does bad shit always happen, anyway?

It's true though. Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. Eli didn't really know where he stood. Whether if he was a bad person or not, but it seemed like every bad possible thing that could go wrong went wrong with him.

He lost everything within minutes.

"But out of everyone," He whispered, "You knew me best." He nodded. Morty really did. Morty was the rock that held him still.

He was the thing Eli could escape to and everything would eventually be okay. The early morning pain, and the night thinking. Morty went through it all with Eli.

"I know you're a car," His voice breaking, and going hoarse. "But you deserve so much more."

He got the car after Julia died. No, this wasn't the car Julia's casket was in, but it was at the service. It was already dying, and Eli needed a car, so he begged for it and his parents gave in, no matter how unusual it was.

He really did love this car.

"But, I have to go now," He started to get out. "Someone has to keep on living," He finally said as he got out and was greeted by an unwelcoming wind.

He rubbed the car again, and grimaced as he left.

The seventeen-year-old boy was still trapped in the car with all the memories, the heartache, and the pain.

By tomorrow the car with the seventeen year old still trapped in it will be destroyed.

Everything will be destroyed.

**REVIEW? =/**

**It would be cool to wake up to some nice reviews. =)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Part two of -spoiler- when Clare looses her baby… A lot of people liked that one. I kind of wanted to show more of Eli's anger and insanity. I wanted to do something to Clare that most people wouldn't dare to do. **

**Dedicated to pavingnewpaths because I don't know… she's cool… I guess.. ;) (I actually really love her with the heart I don't have. Ha) and As_we_danced013 for some odd reason she likes my crap and reads it and manages to give me the best reviews. You should check out both of their stuff it's a whole lot better than this depressing dark stuff!**

**Reviews are cool. **

**I do not own Degrassi. (Thank God. It would be the most depressing show ever. Ha)**

**Clare. **

Her coffee is gross.

Her clothes are too baggy.

Her hair is greasy.

Her eyes are too droopy.

She feels fat, and nasty.

Her heart is barely beating.

But she goes to the room anyways. She always goes to the room and kills herself doing so.

What is her problem?

The room…. Green and black stripped. The bed- never slept in. The toys- no smudged greasy kid fingerprints. The night light- never used to keep the monsters away.

Everything is new; nothing is worn out… The clothes are still in the dresser. Nothing has been moved out, thrown into the garbage, or given away.

Everything in her body aches but she doesn't help herself at all. God, what is she doing?

The rocking chair is the only thing being sat on. The books have hardly been touched.

She could have been a reader, like her mom, or a writer like her dad. Or a dreamer like both of her parents. Because there is someplace, in the middle of reality and consciousness where you can feel safe from the world.

"Clare." She can hear the answering machine. It's Alli checking up on you. "I know you don't want to talk to me…. But I think you really should!"

Clare blocks her mind off from that and concentrates on what happened that night. A tear rolls down her cheek. She doesn't know what to really do with her. She's been wallowing in a dark hole that seems almost impossible to get out off. She wants to be happy, to smile again, but her heart isn't really feeling it.

If it still feels things at all.

She feels like she has become into a monster the first time in her life. She now can relate to her soul mate for once in her life. She calls him a monster because he's really a creature of chaos. She hides this truth about him. Clare is afraid of the outcome if she spoke a word.

Some say there is beauty in the chaos.

Where the hell is it, then? She hasn't seen this beauty, if there is beauty anymore.

"Anyway, call me back…." Alli hangs up the phone. Clare sighs as she gets up, putting the book aside and going over to the answering machine repeating the message over and over again. The sound of a human voice from the outside of her little apartment. Sometimes she feels like she was the only one alive. Or maybe everyone is just dead and she's the only survivor?

Clare deletes the message and she goes to the fridge.

There has been a lot of firsts.

She grabs a beer and starts to drink it. And then she grabs another one after she finished the first. "Love the chaos," She burps. The cake she grabs and throws at the walls. She doesn't want it anymore. It doesn't appeal to her…. Nothing does anymore.

"Clare," She hears her moms voice on the answering machine. "When can I see you? I really would love to. Both of us, your dad and I. We both think it's a good idea. I can even make you some dinner for you and… Eli."

Cue cringe from both Clare and Helen. Everyone is scare to bring his name up.

They have a reason to be.

**Eli.**

People annoy him.

His boss annoys him.

The little girl with the pigtails annoys him.

Everyone in the whole fucking restaurant annoy him.

He works extra hours to make himself a living.

He works to not have to go home.

He avoids trying living.

He's not doing a successful job doing so.

God, what the hell happened? What happened? Karma really is a bitch and all her friends are her bastards. Well, that's really fucking great.

"Eli, calm down," Fitz tells him. Eli shrugs it off. Fitz and Eli are on talking terms. They're on okay terms. "Seriously dude. You need to get some sleep," Fitz finishes as he takes the apron out heading outside. He has just finished his shift.

Eli hates today because he has to lock up which he hates having to do. What's the point? WHAT'S THE POINT IN ANYTHING ANYMORE?

In spite of everything he gets drunk occasionally. Yeah, he knows its bad but he's never really given a fuck.

"Eli," The bartender greets. He gets him his usual, and he chugs it down. "Slow down there, Goldsworthy," The bartender tells him. Eli smirks and  
>gulps some more, feeling the burn go down his throat. God he loved that feeling.<p>

"How's the wife these days?" The bartender asks. Eli shrugs.

He cares for Clare. He really, really loves her. But he doesn't know if he can take this anymore. Getting drunk every night and crashing on the couch isn't marriage.

"Another," Eli says, slamming the cup down. Everything is warm and light to Eli. The colors are brighter.

"I don't know if you need another." The man whispers, paying for Eli's bill. He feels bad for Eli; he knows what he's going through. Although the bartender knows Eli isn't handling it well. If he's handling it at all.

**Clare. [Week later.]**

The boxes are filled up and ready to go.

Both Alli and Jenna have helped Clare move everything out of the room. Clare had decided she wanted to move on. Or at least try to move on.

We all know she isn't handling it well either. A part of her died that night, and the hole will never be filled. The only thing left is a nice breeze going through her.

It reminds her that she can still feel things.

"Are you sure?" Jenna asks, looking down at all the clothes and all the toys. Clare turns around and nods her head. "I'm sure. It all needs to go." She gives her an encouraging smile, looking at the far right wall. The crib use to be there.

"And Eli is okay with this?" Alli asks not convinced. Clare grimaces. "Yeah." They haven't been talking to each other. When Eli is sober he does what he can for Clare but it isn't easy. Death is never an easy thing for Eli.

Because you wake up one morning, and they're there and they're breathing; but at any moment they could be gone forever.

Life is so fragile.

Hours late, Alli and Jenna have finally left with the stuff.

Clare feels nothing.

**Eli. **

He is sober tonight.

It had to due with the lack of money.

Usually when he got paid the first place he blew it was at the bar. But today was different. He just wanted to sleep. He needed to sleep. He's been like the walking dead for a while.

Eli hangs his coat up and goes to his bedroom. Clare isn't in there. He sighs cause he knows the answer. He knows where she's at. In the baby nursery for the girl who was born but only lived for not even a minute.

He opens the door.

Nothing.

There is nothing there anymore.

"Uh, what the hell happened?"

"I took everything out," Clare smiles faintly.

"Oh my God," He can't breathe. It's like someone has taken his lungs and beat them to a pulp.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!" He screams at her. She walks back terrified. "GODDAMNIT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!" He keeps walking towards her. The anger is rising up in him and he doesn't know how to control it.

"GODDAMNIT SHE WAS MY BABY TOO!" Tears of anger formulate.

"I didn't know!" Clare squeals, her back is pinned to the wall. No where else to go.

"WHERE'S THE BLACK BLANKET?" He searches desperately around the room for it but its not there.

"I gave it to Jenna," Clare says innocently.

Its still hard for Eli to give up on things. Especially things that involved Julia. She had given him that blanket to him years and years ago.

Eli reacts in a quick motion. His hand aims for Clare but hits the wall. He makes a hole in the wall and Clare drops to the floor, crying and in hysterics.

"I WORK HARD EVERYDAY AND COME HOME DRUNK BECAUSE I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!" Eli starts. He can't calm down. "AND NOW? ITS NOT EVEN FUCKING WORTH IT." He exits the room and tears down every single picture hanging in the wall. He throws each piece of furniture his hands can get on. He goes into the kitchen, grabs a nice plate and throws it to the floor, watching it break. He likes the feeling. He grabs another and throws it to the floor.

"So this is me dealing with my pain." He mumbles.

_Throws. _

"I regret everything.

_Throws. _

"MAYBE HAHA MAYBE IF I WASN'T SO MEAN THIS WOULDN'T BE HAPPENING!"

_Throws. _

"BUT I GUESS THIS IS YOUR REVENGE, HUH, JULIA?"

_Throws. _

"I already knew I didn't deserve anything," Eli adds.

_Throws. _

"MAYBE THE BABY DESERVED TO FUCKING DIE THEN," Eli laughs and throws another plate.

"I'm a bad person, I know," Eli nods to himself.

_Throws. _

Eli finishes off the last plate and goes back into the baby's room and starts to punch at the walls, yelling in pain. Clare is in the middle of the floor in the restroom throwing up from all the pain.

"This one is for Scarlett!"

_Hit. _

He punches until he bleeds.

So this is how they deal.

"Can we create something beautiful and destroy it?" Eli yells.

_Hit. _

**Geez… **

**What did you think?**

**Review? **


	15. Chapter 15

**I was feeling a little nostalgic tonight… I went out on a date and watched Winnie The Pooh. Ha. Inspired this. This is kind of… light. I mean my version of light. **

**Dedicated to Gehad cause I can't write fluff for shit. [My sorry ass attempt was my new one-shot called Scars. AND its Eclare =p even if I'm currently upset with the blue-eyed beauty… SO if you want to check it out and review it that would be cool.]**

**I do not own Degrassi or Winnie The Poof references. [All of them are just random excerpts] **

-Clare.

Clare had just finished cleaning the dishes, which seemed to take her forever. The damn crumbs wouldn't come off… but that didn't matter. She promised her four year old a story.

Scarlett had been at it all day. "Will read me a story? Pretty, pretty, please?" She would squeal all around the house. Clare would look for her husband, but he was gone… he was ALWAYS gone. Doing something better, more important. Well, what is more important than family? She tried not to let that get to her…. But it came back, it always came back…. Her husband was more interested in indiscriminate sex, and alcohol. Its not like he'd tell her, anyway.

Often people wonder why Clare keeps him around. He's a terrible husband, not really even a father. But yet, she still keeps him around. She loves him, and there really is no other explanation. Though some her crazy cause that is the answer she always gives, its true. She does love him; he's just a broken record. He goes to high places of insanity to make him feel something, anything. Clare on the other hand, she devotes her time and energy on her daughter… Scarlett, who is too young to know about her fathers whereabouts and his lack of caring.

Blame the pills, blame the alcohol, and blame his past. But HE is to blame. He put this upon himself with a little help of his non-existent friends. His non-existent friends are the voices; his demons he hears.

But that's not the point.

Clare tries her hardest, forces a smile, and gives a few hugs, all in all a selfless woman. She prides herself being, holier-than-thou attitude. It's the way she gets by. She's damaged at best.

"Well," She sighs… and the tears start to pour down her cheeks. The dishes aren't done yet, but they'll have to wait. She has to be strong for her daughter.

There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your mother cry. Its like hell is breaking loose and you really can't do anything to stop it.

But she forces herself to smile as she cries, she smiles till it hurts to smile and finishes the dishes. Once she has finished putting the last dish away she dries her hands and heads upstairs. The door is unlocked for whatever time Eli will come home, and she is ready for bed.

Scarlett is already in bed, with the book in her little hand. She has a good mixture of both of her parents. Her fathers hair, and eyes, but her mothers curls and body figure. Though, the smirk is a genetic thing. "What?" Scarlett looks down, clearly exhausted from today.

Clare snaps out of it, "Nothing." To say the least, her daughter looks more like Eli than Clare. It doesn't bother her very much; Clare loves her more than she knows. She would do anything for this girl.

"What time is dad coming home?" Scarlett asks, looking at the picture of the book. Scarlett misses her daddy, once upon a time, Eli was regularly sober and loved on his daughter, but everything changes.

"I, uh… he's coming later." She hopes at least.

"Let's see, what book you got there?" Clare pushes back the covers so she can lie next to Scarlett. "Oh, a classic. One of my favorites…." Clare admires her daughter's book. It's Winnie the Pooh, a book Clare's mom and dad read to her before. It took her to a happy time, when everything wasn't gone to shit.

-**Eli.**

Though he's not fully wasted he wobbles out of the bar a little clumsily. The air is bitter, and it feels like he's breathing in knives. "God," He shivers getting his car keys out of his pockets.

"Hey, Eli," One of the girls he fucked smiles. He doesn't even acknowledge her. It just doesn't matter. He's sure he's broken a few hearts. The girl he kept turning back to was Imogen. They had an on and off relationship throughout college when Clare and Eli weren't together. Imogen loved him. He liked her, even when her secrets were exposed. He still cared for her. He wasn't completely heartless.

Though he loved her, he really did love Imogen, but his heart belonged to someone else, and it wasn't fair for her to go through that with him. Though Imogen saw the darkest side of Eli, the side Clare hasn't even seen, he just couldn't love Imogen like that. Even if they went through more trials than Clare and Eli ever did in Highschool. He was sure he broke Imogen's heart at least. They had sex freshman year of college, it was leading up to that part since their senior year in Highschool. Imogen didn't regret anything, but Eli regretted everything. They had a pregnancy scare, but it turned out that Imogen wasn't pregnant.

Clare and Eli reunited and then eventually got married, and that's when their lives went to shit. They were two different people, living under the same roof. The kissing was hollow, the sex was emotionless, and their hugs stiff. Physical affection couldn't save them. No matter how many times Clare tried to talk to Eli, it just didn't work out that way. No matter what, it just didn't. Clare likes to believe that their love has kept them together, but fuck that, Eli thinks differently. It all comes down to the common thing: Scarlett.

He can't really be with Scarlett without getting drunk after. Its not because he hates her, because its quite the opposite, he loves her too much to be sober. That might not make sense, but he's scared of his own emotions when he's around her. Eli use to feel that way about Clare, but as of right now his feelings are indifferent. Every other night is a screaming match when Scarlett is asleep, and usually its outside so they don't wake her. Much times the police had come over to see if they were okay. Often times they asked Clare if she was safe. She nodded, she was safe, Eli would never hurt her, but mentally she was being abused. But of course, she was still a little naïve. He never told her anything that she didn't know. Eli never told her that he hated her. It was always about him, always, always about Eli and how he was acting. He was a fucked up man, with a fucked up heart that was too damaged to be repaired.

One time, when Eli was sober, Scarlett crawled up in his lap and said, "I want to be just like you." And she put her small hands on his neck and kissed his jaw. It was such a Clare moved that he cried in Scarlett's hair and didn't let her go for a very long time. That was the first time he went to the bar and found a girl to have sex with.

He could be stereotyped as a douche, but he doesn't like to think so. He understands the label, but he looks at it differently. Most of these "douches" had their own past, their own story to tell. Most of them were born with tragedy and sadness in their veins and hearts. It was inevitable, it seemed to Eli. These "douches" had a lot of pain and anger in them, and Eli could relate to that. When you're drunk, you're honest. Sometimes Eli would act drunk just to hear their story, and why they are the way they are.

After he usually feels bad about the sex part, I mean why have sex when you have a wife to give you all the sex you want and not harbor guilt? He has his reasons. A lot of it has to do with the fact is that, he doesn't know the girls, he doesn't know their past, and he doesn't HAVE to know what made them into such a slut. He just fucks them and leaves. He doesn't want to know them, because knowing them would make him feel bad and make him feel obligated to go out with them and be with them. He feels too much but says too little.

When they ask him about his home life he'll tell them straight. He's an honest guy most of the time; he doesn't like to think he's a liar. Clare knows about his dirty secrets, and what he does at the bar, so why not just tell the truth. Imogen was different. Eli knew her, which made him want to cut all relations with her. He likes to think he was trying to be the good guy in that area… for the most part, he was.

It takes about ten minutes to get home. It wasn't too late, but Scarlett was probably in bed. He at least hoped she was in bed. Once Eli got out of the car, the lights were on in her bedroom.

Eli got his keys out and noticed that the door was unlocked so he stepped in and took his shoes off and took his jacket and hung it up. He was hungry, but it would have to wait, he wanted to see if Scarlett had fallen asleep with the light on. Slowly he made his way upstairs trying to shake off the light-headedness and try to at least act sober for his daughter if she was awake. He heard laughter from the room, and the door was almost closed, but you could see the light shinning through the crack.

"Pooh is just so funny," Scarlett giggled a little. It took Eli a minute to remember that it was Winnie The Pooh they were reading. Eli sat against the wall by the door and just listened to his daughter's laughter.

His mother read that book to him a long time ago. But later it was put into storage never to be seen again. Eli had forgotten about it until they had Scarlett. Jenna had given them the book since her kid was already grown up.

"Okay, you need to be quiet as I read the next part," Clare mumbled into her daughters hair that smelled like baby shampoo; it was refreshing. "Okay, I'm sorry," Scarlett, whimpered. "No need," Clare reminded her, and then flipped the page. "Some people care too much, I think its called love,' Pooh said,'" Eli had looked down at his hands and wanted to punch the walls.

His heart was filled with resentment and anger. He had a cynical heart, but loved people, though he would never admit it. He didn't want his daughter to be like him like she said. Her life would be very hard, and he doesn't think she'd make it. Eli is barely making it out alive. His actions are wrong, but he made himself, formed himself into a monster. But he keeps on listening and he doesn't know why.

Nostalgia is just around the corner for him. He used to be pretty emotional as a kid… he would cry a lot when he was reading books cause he cared about them a lot. He didn't want to the characters in books to feel that pain, or he would try to sympathize with them.

"Like daddy?" He heard Scarlett whisper. For a four year old, she was observant, a little old soul she was. Her childhood was ending fast. Scared as he was, he really hated the fact that she would look back at her childhood and notice that her dad wasn't there for her like he should have been. Most teenagers won't admit to it, but a lot of them look back at their childhood and think back to when they were innocent and the cares of the world were simple… nothing hurt, everything was just so simple. You didn't have to worry about anything, really.

Clare flipped to the next page and read, "'if there ever comes a day when we cant be together, keep me in your heart and I'll stay there forever.'"

And that had struck a cord with Clare, as she kept on reading, her tears fell down silently. What happened to her life? Why does everything have to fucking hurt so bad? Whatever you do there is always consequences. No good dead comes unpunished.

Scarlett yawned big. Clare had laughed. "Let me finish this part and I'll let you sleep. Its late, and we can always finish this tomorrow," Clare kissed her forehead as she got to the next part.

Eli got up from the ground, and just paced back and forth. God, he was such a fuck up. Everything he did, he always ended up hurting someone, or something. Didn't matter what, he was like a tornado, destroying everything in sight. He was good at what he does. Its funny how something so small can mean so much. Eli wants to die, but he keeps living for his kid, and well even if he doesn't feel it, for his wife. Perhaps Eli is emotionally dead, or something along the lines. But his heart is in bad and fragile place. What are you suppose to feel nowadays when there's just too much bad shit in this world?

He wants to know why he feels this way about himself, such hatred, and such selfishness. There really is nothing to it. You become the person you never thought you'd be.

Clare and her soft voice continues impersonating Christopher Robin, "Promise me you'll always remember, you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think,"

And at that point, Scarlett had fallen asleep, and Clare tucked her into bed, putting the book away and turning off the light. Eli moved quickly downstairs and sat down on the couch until he heard Clare go to bed. He then got up and went to Scarlett's room. She kept on tossing and turning, until she opened her eyes and saw her daddy in the moonlight.

"Shh," Eli hushed her and smoothed her curls out. "Hi," Scarlett whispered. "Hi," Eli said back, kissing her forehead. He created this girl, and this was one thing he was proud of… he just hoped that his tragedy, and his pain and heartache didn't run in her blood. "Where were you?" She asked, snuggling closer to her daddy. "Did you get to see mommy? Are you mad at her?" Her questions stung him every time. The mind of a child, so curious. Eli had to sugarcoat everything he told her for many reasons. "Daddy was busy." And he knew that she would ask him what he was busy doing, "Daddy was doing bad stuff. But don't worry, he's safe…" He shook his head at her, "I haven't seen mommy yet. I wanted to see you first," And Scarlett smiled cause she felt special that her daddy wanted to see her first. "I'm not mad at your mom." He hugged her and kept her close. Clare meant a lot to him still. Even if he couldn't stand the sight of her, it just hurt too much. Because he knew he screwed things up with her. "You need to go to sleep, though," He reminded her as he started to get up.

Scarlett panicked. It was so rare when she got physical attention from her daddy. Kids need physical attention… it lets them know that they are safe and they are loved. Without it, kids are scarred for life. "No," she whined. And Eli looked at her, and looked at her tiny hands reaching out for him. He took one hand and squeezed it. "I'll see you tomorrow," He whispered. And he left the room.

From then on, Eli would try to stop drinking more and smoking less. But bad habits die-hard. He wants to be a good person. But he was involved with a series of accidents.

But… he's trying…

Isn't that all that counts? Or is he just way in over his head? He doesn't know, but as he walks down the fridge and opens a beer, he remembers… He's, 'stronger than he seems'.

But for now, he'll drink, because he loves her so.

**Again, this was supposed to be light. I don't know what to feel about this. So please tell me what you thought… I really am terrible at trying to write fluff, but you got a little bit of daughter/father reaction… **

**I know I write a lot about Eli, but its nothing against Clare, I just can't connect with Clare's character in anyway. But I feel like Eli and I are very alike in some ways, and its really fun for me to write him and give him layers like I do. Example: Eli just fucking random girls. I mean, I can see it happen… If that makes sense. I tend to write him in a negative way, and often I write him a little angsty and very angry. But that's just how I perceive him. But for me, behind everything I do to him, I give it a purpose. The reason why every ending of mine is almost always sad is because I'm trying to keep it realistic. Not everything ends with a happy ending. Call me cynic, ha. I don't know, just me. I have a weird train of thought, ha. **

**I'm the queen of long author notes… I'm sorry. **

**Review and tell me what you thought at my try of doing fluff…**


	16. Chapter 16

**My mom was watching TV and she saw this add for peanut butter…. And that is how this transpired. I don't know. I get weird ideas. **

**Dedicated to As_we_danced013 because she's a badass, and really amazing. Ha. **

**I do not own Degrassi, only Scarlett Goldsworthy. **

Scarlett had woken up early that morning and ran to her dad's room and began to jump on his bed. "DAD. TODAY IS THE DAY." She squealed. Now, her dad was still asleep, he had a long night last night and the babysitter left around four in the morning.

Eli was still trying to get up but his daughter was still jumping up and down. He had opened his eyes and kept opening and closing them a few times, then is one quick motion he took his daughter by the waist and pulled her down with him. He smirked at her enthusiasm.

"You do realize that is… six o'clock in the morning? And you wonder why dad is so cranky in the morning!" He puts a hand on his heart, "You hate daddy don't you. DON'T YOU?" He jokes and kisses her temples. She smiles and punches his arm, "You're weird." And she snuggles into the covers and looks into her dad's green eyes.

"Yeah? Well, it takes one to know one, Scar," He looks at her directly in the eyes, and she looks away and blushes. "I guess you would know," She jabs. "A little late comeback, eh?" He nudges her and pulls her into him.

"I only mimic what I see," She simply says. It takes Eli a second, "Haha, I get it. Well, aren't you cute," He muses his daughter's hair.

It only takes her a minute to start fidgeting. "Okay, let's go." She says, getting up. "Come on, daddy!" She pushes him a bit. "Okay, okay, God. You're more demanding than your mom," He mumbles as he gets up and puts on a pair of sweats off the ground. "Here," Scarlett hands him a shirt, and he takes it, and walks down the hall.

"Cheerios. Breakfast of champions," Eli mutters as he gets a bowl out. "No, you don't get to eat. You promised today, so we're doing it today," Scarlett takes the bowl of Cheerios and puts it away, and takes Eli's hand and leads him outside to the tree.

"Oh come on. A man needs to eat." He mumbles. His stomach grumbles a bit. Last night he threw up his dinner and the beer and he has an empty stomach. "This better be worth it," He sighs as he gets the tools out of the garage.

"I'm not doing this by myself," Eli calls to Scarlett. The little girl makes her way into the garage and waits for her dad to offer her tools. She'll _literally _do anything.

Scarlett turned six a week ago and she really wanted to finish her tree house as a gift, but things just get so busy at home, and it had been put off for a while and Eli promised (out of guilt) that they would finish it. And Scarlett, demanding like Clare, made sure it was going to get done.

"Let's go," Eli says, with tools in one hand. Scarlett takes his other hand and holds it. Even though they hold hands all the time, this still gets Eli everytime. This is his daughter and she is one of the best things that have ever happened to him. Though she is a mistake, like most babies are, due to the parents not being careful, he still loves her… There is something powerful about handholding, like somehow you're connected and how it just makes you feel safe.

"How long do you think it'll take till it's done?" Scarlett asks, her green identical eyes looking up at her dad. "Hm, maybe till lunch. It shouldn't take that long."

**Later. **

"Do you remember when uncle Adam use to come over and take you to the zoo?" Eli is pounding at a nail, and Scarlett is sitting on a bucket handing him nails. Scarlett remembers and nods. "Yeah, with mommy!" She smiles, thinking of her mom.

Eli nods, looking down. Yeah, with mommy, he repeats. "Why does mommy not live here anymore?" Scarlett asks softly not making eye contact.

They hadn't told her that they were divorcing. They don't know how to tell her that they're divorcing. Especially Eli. It's never easy, at all. No matter what someone's feelings always gets hurt.

Eli remembers when Clare handed them the papers, and the last thing Clare told him was, "We really are my parents."

Scarlett had come home and watched as her dad broke down and drank beer and smoked. Though it wasn't good to do that in front of his goddamn daughter, he still did it, not caring. They tried. They really, really did.

He finishes pounding the rest of the nails, and he gets up looking around and sighs. "You made lunch, right?" Eli asks, going over to the entrance and getting the peanut butter and jelly. "Wait, you didn't answer my question!" her voice is on the edge. And Eli knows what's coming next: tears.

It was only a month ago, but it felt like eternity for Eli. Every night going to get drunk and shoot some pool and come back around four in the morning to take care of his daughter, even though she's asleep.

"It doesn't matter, Scar." He unwraps the sandwich and starts to eat it. "Yes it does." She whispers. Little drops of tears slide down her cheeks. She's only six, but her childhood is being robbed by her maturity. And its not fucking fair. It's genetics, but not really. He wishes she were more like Clare than him. But she's stubborn and won't stop till she gets her way. It doesn't matter how she gets it, she'll do it. And though he never wanted her to be like him, but he knows it'll happen. Scarlett rarely seems him anyways.

"You know how grandpa and grandma on your mom's side aren't together?" Eli asks, scooting himself closer to her. Scarlett nods, giving him a stone cold look. God, that's scary, he thinks. Though its impossible, he's afraid of after telling her she won't love him.

"Well, your mom and I are going to be like that." He smiles softly at her, but it looks forced. When Eli was on medication a few years back and when he was talking with Clare's boyfriend and Adam at the time, Jake had cracked a joke and Eli smiled because he wanted to, but it hurt him to smile, but he really wanted to. The numbness is starting to form again.

She doesn't say anything, but she sits in-between her dad's legs. "You don't love each other anymore." She finishes.

Eli is quick to shake his head. "It's not that at all." He takes her hand. "Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go."

And though it took him forever to realize this, he finally understood it. He loved Clare, but he knew he fucked up in the past and he knew that what he did caused all this, but she stayed with him for a while, until she had enough of him being an asshole and finally gave him the damn papers.

"That doesn't make sense!" She pushes him away.

"I know it doesn't. But it will soon, I promise."

Though he knows he's the king of lies.

"Did I do something wrong…." She mumbles, looking down. He shakes his head. "You didn't do anything wrong." He whispers.

After all of Eli's attempts to get Clare to stay he finally gave up. Once you start to lose hope, everything starts to fall apart.

"Let's go." Eli gets up and brushes some dirt off and he goes down the tree house's latter and begins to walk to the house.

This is his last few hours with Scarlett until Clare picks her up. Its always dangerous when that happens, Eli looses control. His sanity lies within his six year old. And he knows that's sad, but she's all he has left.

"But you still love me, right?" She asks, looking down. They're now sitting on the couch and watching cartoons. It takes him a while to answer, but he nods. "Right."

A few hours later the doorbell rings and he knows its Clare. He wakes Scarlett up and she takes her stuff from her room and walks down the stairs looking at her daughter. She smiles at him, and he gives her the same forced smile.

"Bye daddy." She waves as she heads outside and takes her mom's hand. He barely gets a glimpse of Clare, but he's glad he didn't get to see her. Now, he goes to the kitchen and grabs a beer and takes it to the tree house to drink it.

He watches as Clare and Scarlett drive off the road and he sighs.

No matter what, he thinks, they always leave.

But this is the way he gets by.

**Its short, I know. And it was, "eh" worthy. **

**Review? **


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey, I have a few things I wanted to talk about before the next chapter. **

**I am going to update Collision really soon. If any of you have read it. I'm sorry I've been putting it off for so long. It's unfair.**

**I am going to attempt to update Inexcusable. That story is kind of a journal type of thing. But I have a soft place for it. **

**I am going to be posting a new story perhaps tonight or tomorrow. It's a thing I've wanting to do since I saw how crazy Eli was in Drop The World and its been on my mind ever since. I am going to explore the layers of craziness and how it can affect the people around you. I am going to try and show people the affect and how it can seriously drive someone… well crazy. I think it's really important. **

**Okay I know a lot of these one-shots are really sad and such, but that's just my writing. I write what I feel and I write what I know. I sincerely want to know what you guys think. **

**And if you have ANYthing you want to see, feel free to message me or tweet me or tumblr, or simply tell me in a review if you want me to **

**Write something for you. Give me any storyline and I will try to write it for you in these one-shots. I'm open for anything, really. **

**Honestly. **

**Hah. Okay, well I just wanted to update and ask you guys some stuff… that's about it… **

**I shall update this soon, too. **

**-Caitlyn. **


	18. Chapter 18

**I've been kind of depressed these past few days. Some tragedy happened in my group of friends if you want to know more about this tragedy you could read it… its based of my new story Tragic Encounters. And lately I've been feeling really crappy about myself as a writer and a person. I'm sorry if this is crap, too. **

**To the anon, I will write you your Clare one-shot, let me just get some ideas for it first. **

**Reviews are cool…**

**I do not own Degrassi. **

"I think the party is a hit." Eli had leaned in to Fiona. She nodded in amusement of some of the drunken dancers. Fiona had never seen Holly J. drunk. To be honest, she was surprised. But Fiona had loosened up a bit, and let some alcohol in. Besides it was a graduation party. You should loosen up. But Fiona told them that if any of them were too drunk to drive home, they were staying the night. She wasn't going to be held responsible for someone's death or totaled car.

"My mom gave me a one o'clock curfew." Eli sighed. It was about twelve thirty and his house was across town. If there was traffic it would take him about thirty minutes to get home. "My mom is kind of been strict these past few months." He didn't speak of why, but Fiona knew. She understood. "It's fine, Eli. I'll just clean this up myself."

The music progressed and the atmosphere was a little crazy, but Eli was glad everyone was having a good time. "Besides, I'm a junior." Eli laughed. Fiona had shrugged. "And I'm a senior again. We'll be seniors together." She smiled at her newfound best friend.

They were good together. They had each other's backs and understood each other on a level not many got. They both knew what it felt like to go insane, and having feelings you cant control. Many times some people would ask if Fiona was really a lesbian. But that's what true friendship was. Being so comfortable with someone and forgetting the world. And for once, Eli was happy. But it was only minor, of course. He was slapped in the face with reality everytime he saw the happy couple. He didn't hate Jake. He probably didn't even know what went down. But he just didn't understand how Clare moved on so fast. Perhaps it was partially Eli's fault. But she broke his heart first.

"Okay well… see you later, I guess," Eli sighed, getting his dad's car keys out of his pocket and putting his jacket on. "Drive careful." Fiona called. And as Eli got out of the condo he could still hear the party. He smiled in content. He was glad he got to go. Mostly because he felt like he was trapped in his room and being smothered by his parent's worries. He hated that people worried for him. So he decided to live a little and go out. Since him and Fiona seemed to be hitting it off, she was the perfect excuse. Once, Eli had slept over at her condo. Not on purpose but they were just narrowing down who played which parts in the play. Then they had got to talk about past regrets. And Eli thought back to his relationship with Julia. Though Eli wasn't really comfortable enough to talk about her, he told Fiona that they were exes. But he didn't tell her that Julia was actually dead.

Fiona, being the open book she is, had told him everything about Bobby and even a little about Holly J. and the conversation weirdly spiraled to talking about girls. And Eli was glad to have another girls opinion on the matter. Though the conversation got awkward when they talked about Imogen. Eli was protective of her. He wasn't sure why. His feelings were unresolved. It wasn't as if he liked her liked her. More of because…. She believed in him when no one else did. No one else had told him that they believed in him.

As Eli turned the car on, he waited for the heat to start to kick in. For a while he just sat in his car. A couple people walked out of the condo and he hoped they drove home safe. He grimaced as he pulled out. Everything went smoothly. He was still a little scared of driving. Though he crashed it on purpose, it still gave him a little fear.

Eli turned left, and then everything went black….

**Later.**

-**Mr. Simpson. **

The phone was ringing.

Mr. Simpson sighed as he got up out of bed. Connor had already beaten him to the phone. "Hello?" Connor sighed, yawning. "Oh, yeah, he's right here." Connor handed the phone to Mr. Simpson and smiled. Before he answered he said to Connor, "You should be in bed. Its late!" But then he remembered. First day of summer.

He shook his head as he answered. "Hello?"

"Is this the principal of Degrassi?" An authorities voice spoke. "Uh, yes. Who might this be?"

With a pause, "We need you to come down to the hospital. It seems like a few of your students have gotten in accident, with four critically injured and one dead."

The world dropped.

**-Eli. **

He doesn't know what happened. He can't remember anything. He doesn't feel much. Half of him feels paralyzed. Or is it his whole body? He doesn't know. Fuck it.

"He should be waking up anytime now." He hears a soft soothing voice say. Eli opens his eyes. But his left eye is bandaged, and it hurts a little. What the hell? He reaches to touch it but someone slides his hand away.

"You can't do that baby boy." He knows that voice. He's comforted and yet scared at the same time. When he tries to talk, his words slur. Fuck, what the hell was wrong?

He tries again, "Hagsjasd." He sighs and tries to turn his head. What hurts so bad? He can't speak, obviously. But he wants to know what's wrong.

"Hey." CeCe takes his hand. But he can't see her. His head is turned in the opposite direction.

"I'm going to need to change the bandages. You can leave if it's too much for you." The nurse says, in a small whisper. CeCe shakes her head. "No… no I'm staying."

"Okay," The nurse shakes her head a bit as she slowly takes off the bandages on the left side of his face.

With a gasp and a step back, CeCe sees what is under the bandages. Eli's left side is completely torn off. You can see the insides. CeCe runs out of the room to puke.

"You'll be alright." The nurse puts a hand on Eli's forehead. He's been in and out… though he knows whatever is happening in him right now is making him…. Sleepy.

-**Sav. **

No one is saying anything. Its like if they say something it's the end of the world. Everyone from the party is here. The parents are holding their children. Even people who didn't even go to the party are here.

Sav doesn't really even know what's going on. All he knows is that both of his ex girlfriends are in there and they're both critically injured or one of them is dead. He tried to think optimistically. But it's failing him quickly. You can't be optimistic in the hospital. It doesn't work out that way.

"Sinclair!" The nurse yells. Two people get up and walk over to the nurse. Sav watches, his hands are shaking. For a second the mother covers her mouth. That only means one thing… Holly J. is- "She's alive!" Her mom yells. The quiet is gone. And people praise and thank God that one student is a survivor.

Alli leans on Sav, and Clare leans on Alli, and Jake leans on Clare. It's like a chain. Though no one wants to admit it, they all knew it was Eli that had ran into the cars. It had been a pile up and Eli was the source to it all. But it was an accident…. Right?

Chantay sits with Dave, they hold hands. They are related after all. Though Chantay has her phone out, no words come to her. It wouldn't be right to blog about this. It's a tragedy, and no one knows who died.

Mr. Simpson walks towards the group and all of a sudden everyone stands up like he's the fucking queen of England.

He's pale in the face, and he actually looks old. His eyes are drooping. It's about three in the morning everyone's been here a few hours just waiting for anything.

"Anya…. Is… she's dead."

The room goes quiet. No one says anything. "She died instantly." He finishes as he slowly goes to a chair and sits, with his face in his hands. The sobs are at first quiet and then they turn to be weeping. Everyone is still trying to grasp what just happened. Degrassi losing one of their own.

Owen gets out of his chair and starts to throw chairs around and rip off papers off the wall. He doesn't say anything. His anger says it all. The nurses and the doctors call in the police, but even the police can't stop him. No one can. Everyone sits and watches as he has his outburst.

**-Zane/Riley. **

They were both in the same car when it flipped. The nurses think that Riley will forever be paralyzed. The scholarship? Down the drain. Everything he worked for? Absolutely nothing. Due to a fucking junior who wasn't paying attention.

Now Riley watches as his boyfriend is lying in the hospital bed next to him fighting to live.

He can't remember what happened; only they flipped and he recognized the driver. The anger is killing Riley. At any moment he knows he's going to explode. He wants to explode. Riley can't move anything. His legs… they feel like they aren't even there anymore. He tells them to move but they don't. For a moment that pissed him off, then he realized the realization that he's paralyzed the waste down.

He's numb for good.

Zane is in a coma for now. He can't remember much of anything. All he can remember was he was talking to Riley about their relationship. How he hated that he was always last place in his life. How he really wanted a future with Riley. He cared about him too much, and the break up really killed him.

And everything Zane cared about was taken away because of one driver. He's not one to hold grudges…. But he can't help it. He's not waking up from this coma until a few days. But chances are, he'll need some help learning how to write with his left arm. His right had been torn off by the crash. The pile up of the cars was big, and cars around them had been involved. He doesn't want to die this way, he can remember. Though he has flashbacks in his coma… that's all he thinks about, that's all he can think about. He's there forever.

-**Eli. **

He's two faced. An ugly monster that didn't mean harm. Most people think he looks for it. Some say he's born with destruction in his veins. They're true and he knows it. He's mastered the art of destruction. Life doesn't play fair. Life actually hates Eli.

Many times Eli wished something like this happened to him, but now that it has, he wished he never wished that. He just wanted to die. He didn't think living would be this hard. He is now all he has. His own mother can't even look at him. So whom does he have on his side?

No one.

Eli is left alone in the hospital bed. He tries to touch his face and he tries to talk… but he can't. He can't do either. The place has been bandaged back up and everytime Eli tries to speak up his words slur and nothing makes sense.

They say he'll need to go to speech therapy. They say he'll need a transplant. They say he'll need a new face, but no one is willing to offer one.

Eli is no longer Eli.

He's an invisible monster.

He has a face to show it.

And a heart to prove it.

No one knows why some are born with tragedy in their veins. Some are scared to know the answer. Sometimes…. Its better not to know the answer.

Some things are better left unsaid.

**This is kind of an open ending. I'm sorry. It sucked. **

**Review? **


	19. Chapter 19

**Goodbye Jay, you were an amazing Eli Goldsworthy. You'll be greatly, greatly missed. ='(**

**I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics to The Call by Regina Spektor. **

_It started out as a feeling_

_Which then grew into a hope_

_Which then turned into a quiet thought_

_Which then turned into a quiet word_

_And then that word grew louder and louder_

_'Till it was a battle cry_

Eli had stood in the middle of his room for a while now. He couldn't move, he didn't want to, really. He stared at the walls like he was waiting for them to change. But he knew they wouldn't change. He sighed as he took the last bag and put it over his shoulder. This was it. It was actually happening.

He couldn't believe that he was going to go to the states on his own. He would be a broke college student living off of redbull and unhealthy calorie filled food.

_I'll come back_

_When you call me_

_No need to say goodbye_

CeCe had come into the room and she sighed. "So," She put an arm around her son. "How are you feeling?" She stifled back some tears, but she was just as shocked as he was about leaving the nest. He couldn't really believe it. Parts of him didn't want to leave but another part was dying to get out of here. Its not because he didn't love his family, because he did, very much. He just couldn't handle his past hanging around everywhere. The past year had been pretty filled with drama, as well as the year before. Being diagnosed officially bipolar, not to mention a recovering hoarder. He still had his relapses when he got nervous or worried, but it wasn't so bad. He was still on his way to recovery but he couldn't help but still feel a little empty inside. No matter what, his psychologist said, there would always be that uncertainty.

_Just because every thing's changing_

_Doesn't mean it's never been this way before_

_All you can do is try to know_

_Who your friends are as you head off to the war_

_Pick a star on the dark horizon_

_And follow the light_

"Indifferent." He choked out. "What about you?" He smiled at his mom, knowing she obviously wasn't ready. But he smiled at his mom and was reminded of how much he'd actually miss her. She was just always there. And he could always go to her for anything. It was definitely not going to be the easiest goodbye.

"Eli! CeCe!" Bullfrog had called down from downstairs. Eli sighed as he pushed his mom downstairs. "I'll be down in a second." He smiled again as he went to his bed and sat on his naked bed. They had taken the sheets and shipped it to his college. He had a lot of unloading to do when he got there. He kept looking around him, still in shock.

"Wow," It was hard to leave here. It was almost as hard to say goodbye to Morty. Morty was a big part of Eli's life, as well as this room. These walls of his have seen a lot. The pain, the anger, the depression, the angry tears… He couldn't believe he was actually going. Everything would be brand new when he moved.

He didn't think it would hurt so much.

_You'll come back_

_When it's over_

_No need to say goodbye_

Perhaps he wasn't leaving forever but it sure as hell felt like it.

"Eli! Seriously!" His dad called. Eli rolled his eyes. He got up again, he looked at his room one last time… he then went to his door and felt a heavy weight on him. God. It was actually happening.

He took one glance as he closed the door, putting a hand on it as he went down.

_You'll come back_

_When it's over_

_No need to say goodbye_

"Surprise!" Fiona laughed. He smiled as he walked down the rest of the stairs. Adam and Clare and Imogen were here too. He was surprised for sure. "You can't get rid of us yet, dude." Adam said, pushing past them coming near to Eli and giving him a big bear hug. "Don't leave." He whispered to Eli. No one else heard it. No one else was supposed to hear it but Eli. He felt guilty for moving so far away but he knew it was for the better. He sighed as he pulled away. He looked at him. "We can do this." He smiled a little, gripping his shoulders. Adam used his sleeve to wipe away a tear.

He looked at the rest of his small group of friends. Imogen and Fiona had grown to be good friends and Clare and Eli were still a little shaky in their relationship but they still loved each other.

CeCe puts her arm around Adam and Eli, shaking them a little. "Where are you going to college, Fiona?" CeCe asks politely. She smiles before she answers. "A community college in New York for now, and hopefully I'll know what I'll be wanting to major in after that." She laughed a little. She had it all planned. Living with Declan in an apartment. They both had their paths set. But on the other hand Clare and Eli still had one more year. "Well that sounds great." CeCe smiles and then turns to Imogen, "What about you?"

Imogen jumps a little bit of excitement. "Well, I'm staying here for community college, but hopefully, I'll be out of here soon enough."

Clare had to look away cause she hated the talk of leaving. Eli leaving was just too much for her.

"Don't be sad." Bullfrog cut in putting an arm around Clare. Eli was starting to get emotional. "Uh, okay, I'll be right back." Eli got out of his mothers grip as he opened the door to put his stuff in his mom's car. He needed to get out of that house. It was all too much. Unfortunately, they had followed him out. Eli sighed. Not a moment to himself.

"We better get going." Bullfrog mumbled looking at his watch. CeCe merely nodded. "Time to say your goodbye's guys."

Adam was the first one who went to Eli and pulled him in another hug. He kept chanting not to leave. He couldn't help it. This was his best friend. It's always hard to leave best friends no matter the circumstances. "I have to." Eli said hoarsely. "You've always been there for me though." Adam whispered, looking down at his gift. "Here." Adam pushed the letter and the gift towards him. Eli had taken the gift and unwrapped it. "The first Dead Hand CD." Eli laughed. A couple weekends ago Eli was commenting how bad he wanted the first CD. "Raw and at its fines!" Adam laughed, pulling Eli in another hug.

"Thank you." Eli said, taking a good look at him.

Imogen was next. She threw her arms around Eli and he laughed. She got so into hugs and he loved that about her. She might have been weird, but Eli admired that quality in her so much. She laughed as she let him go. "I know how much you love my hugs." She smiled, and then added, "Here." She shoved him her cat ears. "Oh, wow." Eli laughed a little, looking at the cat ears. "But you love these." Eli said, taking her hand. She shrugged. "Just take them Eli." She said looking away dramatically. He laughed and put them in the bag as well as the CD. "Oh God, I'm going to miss you." He pulled her in this time, rocking back in forth with her. "Me too," Imogen whispered to him, holding back the tears as well.

"Thank you." He said again as she pulled away.

Fiona had sighed as she stepped up to the plate. "You're still crazy." She said as she handed him a big envelope. "But I love you anyways." She smiled as Eli started to open the envelope. His eyes went wide, "Fiona…" He started to protest. "I'm not taking it back." She said firmly. "I figured you'd need the money more than I do." She smiled and winked at him, holding his hand and squeezing it. She was about to go back in the line, but she couldn't. She pulled him into a hug and didn't let him go. "I just want to thank you for being there for me… when Holly J. couldn't." She told him. "You are a remarkable friend." She reminded him. "Even if you are crazy." Eli smirked a little as he put the money in the bag. "Thank you." He said. "I mean it."

Eli sighed as Clare quietly walked over to Eli. The air was tense. It was this moment that Eli was the most eerie about. "Clare." He breathed. "Eli," She said breathlessly.

"I uh, wanted to give you these." Clare handed him the tickets from their first date. "I had them all along." She smiled up at him. "But I wanted you to have them," She laughed nervously, "It took me a while to find them, but I wanted to give you them." The tear started slowly going down her face. She breathed. "I'm not ready," She laughed at herself. Eli pulled her in for a hug and said, "Neither am I."

In trust he wasn't ready at all. He was leaving. And it wasn't forever, but it might as well be. Cause goodbye…. Means going away. Sometimes people don't come back, and you're left with their broken memories. What are you supposed to do?

He kissed her neck, trying to keep the memory of her with him. The water was starting to formulate in his eyes. It was hard to say bye to Clare, but to also everyone else, too.

"We're going to be late." Bullfrog smiled at his son. Eli nodded. Clare had pulled away.

Eli still held onto her. "I love you." He sighed. She smiled a little, "I love you too."

Eli backed away. "I love all of you." His hands were shaking. "Without you guys… I would be dead by now." It was a scary fact, but it was true. He would be. He had gone through so many dark times that seemed almost impossible to get out of… but he seemed to make it through.

_Now, we're back to the beginning_

_It's just a feeling and no one knows yet_

_But just because they can't feel it too_

_Doesn't mean that you have to forget_

"This isn't goodbye." He finally said. "I'll still be there for you guys." He said, walking towards the rest of the group. "You just can't forget about me, either." He whispered loud enough for them to hear.

_Let your memories grow stronger and stronger_

_'Till they're before your eyes_

"No matter where I go. I'll always miss you…. No matter how far we all go, whether it's the same way or separate. Just never forget." He smiled.

_You'll come back_

_When they call you_

_No need to say goodbye_

As he each gave them one last hug, he remembered a specific moment with each and everyone one of them… and he was sad.

Eli had backed away from all of them as he opened the door and got in, rolling the window down.

_You'll come back_

_When they call you_

_No need to say goodbye_

With last glances and waves goodbyes, and promises of phone calls when he lands, check your voicemail, make sure you have everything they were set.

He really had no idea what was going to happen. He was scared, to be honest. But he looked back on his house and his friends. He had memories with all of it. Some dark, some good, some bad. And he would miss it so much, but things change, people change, and life stops for no one.

**Review?**


	20. Chapter 20

**I was in a meeting tonight and I saw a lady with her baby, because I was right behind her and it was such a somber moment for me. Being adopted you're born with a hole in you. And for me personally, whenever I hold a baby it makes me feel complete. So here it is. (Sorry to those of you who might care that haven't been updating… trying to graduate and having a schizoid aunt, plus lack of sleep… it's hard to juggle. But I'm back. Be expecting a Collision update and a possible new story up soon…)**

**Dedication: To Devinthefabulous who made me start writing fanfiction cause of HER fanfiction. And to As-we-danced013 who is the reason why I'm still writing, updating…**

**Don't own Degrassi or the Bright Eyes reference from Poison Oak (BUT you should look them up because they are my favourite band.) I only own Scarlett. **

**[Flashback.]**

The rain was pounding and Eli was beating himself up for letting her just leave. He got out of the car as he tried to search for Julia in the rain. But she was nowhere to be found.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a car coming, and then he heard a scream. He searched and he ran and then he suddenly fell flat on his face in a trail of blood making its way into the sewer. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! He thought as he followed the blood, and then there was Julia in the distance and the car making its way, speeding.

And then it hit.

They collided.

Eli heard one last scream. But it wasn't Julia's scream…. It was a baby's.

Eli didn't really know what to think. He stood there in the trail of blood not moving. He then just realized what had happened and he panicked thinking the worst. Cause that is all you can do in this situation. Eli had ran over to his girlfriend and the car kept on going not even giving a fuck and Eli saw the bloody mess before his eyes. He saw that there was a baby right next to Eli and it was crying and then the crying stopped and he saw that the baby had a gash on its head and it was right by Julia's thighs.

Julia was pregnant.

She didn't look pregnant. Eli didn't know she was pregnant. But was it his child? No. It couldn't be his child. He shook his head and he collapsed picking the baby up and getting Julia's dead body closer to him. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to die. But Julia was gone and the baby was gone. Dead. Never coming back to life again. It was all over.

Eli could hear the sirens and he knew that they were on their way. But he didn't know what was happening. So for now Eli had scooped the baby up and cradled it cause he didn't know what else to do with it. If it were his baby he would love it until he had to give it away.

It hit him, in that moment that for a small second… he was a dad. And that made him sob even more. Shouldn't holding your baby be a life changing, remarkable thing? It shouldn't be a tragedy to hold your first born. It shouldn't be dead on delivery. It shouldn't be in the rain with its mom lying dead right next to you. Eli didn't think his heart could take such a loss. This form of tragedy was something he didn't know. All his life he knew people died, but he never thought someone as close as Julia would die in his life. He was just so innocent back then. And within a few seconds of holding his child, he grew up.

And it wasn't fair.

But sometimes people are supposed to die young. And often, we don't know why.

**[Now.]**

**I. **

**-Eli. **

"But the baby is killing me." Eli groans on the phone with his baby in one hand. He nods. And then he cringes cause Fiona is yelling at him. He looks over to Clare and Eli's room and nods. "Yeah she's asleep." He nods to himself, rocking the baby but it keeps screaming and Eli really doesn't have the patience.

"Then you get your ass over here and take care of it." He almost yells but then shakes his head. God he is really terrible at this. He looks down at the baby. "You don't need to yell at me, Fi." It's too early in the morning for Eli. Its about four and Eli couldn't control his backslide so he called Fiona. He had been calling her since they brought the baby home from the hospital last week.

"I'm not yelling at you!" He says. And then he mentally slaps himself. "I'm sorry for yelling." He grunts, and the baby with her small little hands hits her dad on his cheek. He looks at it and shakes his head. "Fiona this baby is abusing me. It just hit me." He says again and Fiona laughs into the phone to a point where it hurt Eli's ears.

"Okay. Thanks…. Bye." He hangs up the phone and keeps on rocking the baby. He then thinks of going out into the kitchen and living room area. A lot more things for the baby to see there out in the living room.

"Unfortunately I do not have the breasts to feed you, my child." He tells the baby looking at her in the eyes. "So don't be getting ideas." He kisses the baby's foreheads and he keeps on rocking it. But the baby isn't crying anymore. It seems like going out in the living room area was a good idea. Eli pats himself on the back for that. It was one good thing he has done with Scarlett so far.

"Just to let you know," He whispers. "You shit more than I do." He then smiles at the baby. "But you're cute so I'll let it slide." He walks over to the couch and he sits, and the baby bobs her head a little, but her eyes start to go weary. She yawns a little and Eli cracks a smile.

Slowly the baby starts to lay her head in the crook of Eli's neck and it stays there. Her tiny little hands find one of Eli's and the small hand wraps around his finger and Eli's mouth is wide open.

It's the small things that get to Eli.

He doesn't know why. But the fact that its hand is wrapped around his finger amazes him. Cause she's just so tiny and he's just so big. And he gets a mental picture of Clare and their little family. He looks at Scarlett and she already has that hardened face like Eli. He just really hopes she isn't exactly like him. But a few years from now he will find that his daughter and him are more alike. And in the future that will scare him, but for now he focuses on her childhood. Because childhood is the most important part of any child… it can completely scar you or it can build you up with happy memories. The good kind of nostalgia.

**II. **

In its sleep the baby began to cry softly, and was a bit hot tempered. The red face never really left.

Clare had walked out of the room, her hair everywhere and Eli merely smiled. He didn't want to say anything; he was afraid if he spoke the baby would wake up and start having another fit.

"Here I got her," Clare yawned opening her arms for Scarlett and Eli shook his head. "I got her," He whispered, and the baby further nestled into the crook of his neck again. The baby's small tongue had met Eli's skin at the neck and he looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "She's slobbering me," He laughed lightly and quietly and Clare smiled and rolled her eyes as she went back to bed.

Whatever was happening in her dreams must be pretty crazy cause she was squeezing Eli's finger. Do babies have nightmares? Eli thought. If they do Eli felt sad. Babies shouldn't be exposed to nightmares. And its not beca8se Eli was in fear of his sleeping schedule cause it was fucked anyways. No, it was because Eli knew how nightmares worked. All through high school he had lived a living nightmare and it never seemed to end.

But the baby in his arms, the little tongue resting on Eli's neck, the small little hand squeezing his finger reminded him that Eli was awake and was still alive. And that's all he needed.

In times like this Eli thought about the baby who didn't get to live. He remembers holding the dead bloody baby wishing it were Eli's dead body instead. He was sad that it didn't get the chance to survive. He wanted to love it, care for it, and be with it. Even if the was just a moment… Eli was a father, and he was the protector over it, never wanting it to hurt cause… he loved it. And when you love someone you protect him or her. And he was willing to give his life for it.

Eli, everytime he came to the realization, Julia would be dead for eight years, and everytime he thought about it a part of him chipped off. You just don't forget about this sort of thing. Unless you've had it happen to you, it would be hard to understand.

Breaks up are hard enough; because when someone breaks up with you it makes you feel like you're not worth it. Like there's something wrong with you. But sometimes, people change, and feelings change. Once it's over, it's over and done with. When you're young breaks up happen, but its part of life. But when the one you love breaks up and then minutes later she dies, not only does it make you feel like utter shit, you are also forever changed. Death has a funny way at things. It alters people, sometimes good, and sometimes bad…

Julia would always be his first love, and he'd always love her in a way he'd never be able to love Clare. Some say it's not a fair but when is it ever? Eli is the type of person when he loves you he gives you his but whole heart, without thinking of the consequences. And usually people let you down and your hear dies a little.

"You won't die on me, right?" He asks Scarlett. She turns her head just a bit, but he can still feel her little tongue. "Cause I don't think I'll be able to handle another baby death." He kisses her cheeks and her head. Completely okay with where he was at. Never. Letting. Go.

**III. **

**-Clare. **

Out in the dark corner Clare hides in the shadows. She doesn't know about the baby death. He never told her. But she feels torn. But she can't say anything yet because she was supposed to be in bed.

They have a broken family. But they won't admit to it. No one ever does… they don't want to know that their family is broken. Its better to live a lie. Just like it's easier to degrade and just generally shit over people than admit that you love them.

"Just don't leave me, okay?" For a moment Clare thinks he's talking to her, and she has a mini panic, but then she realizes that it is Scarlett he is talking to, the little baby, her baby, nestling into her father.

Clare turns back slowly to her room and then she falls down to the ground. There was so much he hadn't told her yet. He was still a never-ending mystery. It was beginning to feel too much. The only tragedy she felt was Darcy's rape and her parents getting divorced, and Adam getting shot.

She got her phone out and started to dial. It rang and rang until she heard a groggy voice. "Hello?" He answered and Clare split starting to cry. "Clare?" He asked a little worried. "Are… are you okay?" There was a hesitance in his voice as he asked.

"H-hey Jake." Through out the years Clare was okay with Jake as her brother. It happened so quickly but they worked it out. She loved him, yeah. But not in the same way as she used to. She didn't lust after him at all. Now, it was just too weird.

"Is something wrong?" He asked and Clare rolled her eyes. "No I'm just crying for no reason, Jake."

He shrugged, "Well you did just have a baby. So I'm guessing the hormones…" He stopped himself, he was sticking both feet in his mouth and then he got into a sitting position sighing, "Then what is it?" He asked after a moment. He looked over at Alli and he mused her hair in her sleep.

"Everything." She said, finally.

"Then I guess you should elaborate, Clare Goldsworthy."

**IV. **

**-Eli. **

"_Let the poets cry themselves to sleep, and all their tearful words would turn back into steam…" _Eli turned up the volume. Sometimes Eli got lost in music and it was the only way he knew how to identify music. Conor Oberst was the only one who Eli felt like he could relate too. He found Bright Eyes by merely skimming on YouTube but he was glad he found them. They were a band that Eli really enjoyed. They helped him a lot in Highschool.

"I can't wait to show you some real music." He mumbled into the baby's head. "None of this mainstream crap. You're going to grow up with real music…" He referred to Bright Eyes. As the song started to fade, so did Eli.

The crazy manic side came out at night. The demons screaming at him from his insides and out. Sometimes Julia popped in, stopped by and tells him she loved him. When Eli was on his pills he was okay. He'd be fine, the demons weren't as loud. There were just some screws that weren't as tight. He was okay with that.

Eli hoped that his demons didn't run in Scarlett's blood.

The baby stirred in Eli's arms and her grip was tight. He felt the slobber all over his neck but he was okay with that, too.

"You're just so breakable." He whispered and looked down at her, "I could break you at any moment." He rocked a little, trying his hardest to keep an easy pace.

Images flash in his mind from the accident, holding the bloody baby and feeling the loss. Eli tried to save it, he took off his soaked jacket and wrapped the baby in it to try to keep it warm. Julia was already long gone, he just couldn't process it…

A couple days later the doctor told Eli that even Julia didn't know she was pregnant. Sometimes your body doesn't change, and it wasn't not normal. It happened quite a bit to some girls.

Eli had to remind himself when he did come back from his head that he was him and Clare's baby was in his arms. Clare wasn't dead and they were all still alive.

Scarlett started to cry softly so Eli got up and walked outside. It wasn't too cold out, but he had a blanket and he paced back and forth to keep moving.

Eli looked up at the sky and he often wondered how Julia was these days, and how the baby was doing. And if he or she was okay, and if they liked it up there, and if they were together. He would often tell them hat they were missed by him. He'd tell them that it was messed up. It just wasn't fucking fair, he'd always love them more than anything cause they were his first everything. He didn't like that he had such a broken heart at such a young age.

He laughed a little to himself because Scarlett was quite as she bobbed her head a little. The tears were starting to dry on her cheeks. Scarlett's pudgy fingers had rested on his cheek and she began to explore his face, and some of the saliva from her mouth was starting to drip and fall on Eli's shirt. Eli got the end of his shirt to wipe it off.

From the inside he could hear someone weeping and he knew it was Clare, but Eli knew that he couldn't do anything to make it better. She was strong, probably too strong. And sometimes when you're too strong it makes you weak because it because it begins to be too much.

Slowly after the little exploring, Scarlett leaned back into his neck, her tongue finding its place back on his neck and she spit up a little but Eli had no idea. Scarlett's hand grabbed Eli's finger and she held it, bringing it up to her mouth to suck on.

So this is how it was like with them. He held her cause he cared for her. He didn't want another dead baby. Scarlett had a forever bond with her dad. He was the first one to hold her in the hospital. Normally it would have been Clare but she passed out because it was too much for her. They handed her to Eli and she was still all bloody and sticky, but in Eli's eyes she was beautiful. That's how holding your first-born should be like. They soon made Fiona and Declan the godparents. Declan because he was Fiona's sister who was Eli's best friend.

Eli looked up at the sky one last time, and the weeping turned into hysterics. What happened? Eli ignored Clare. Not that he didn't love her, but because he tried with her and things just don't work out the way you want them too, unfortunately.

"You're going to be broken when you're older. I already feel it." He told his daughter. "Its just a simple fact." There was no way around it, it was like a roadblock, and something that you just had to get through. "I had to go through it too," He whispered.

"You are my daughter after all…"

And that was the beginning of everything.

**End. **

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